My boyfriend (Drew) and I met at the casino, he's one of the cooks there. Everything I have with him is what I never really considered to be possible. I'm in love with my best friend and it's pretty great. It's like a fairytale, except there's no fade out, because our journey doesn't end after so many pages or 124 minutes...I get to wake up and look into those eyes every day.
My last relationship, which was nothing short of manipulated and manufactured, really messed with my understanding of "love" and relationships. I was never really in love with my ex, I was just 'following suit' so to speak. When I finally did realize it wasn't true, I didn't wanna pretend anymore...so he did everything to hurt me: guilt me, steal from me, lie to me...he even sunk as low as to break into my apartment and steal my computer (among other things) and then hacked my computer and myspace and deleted my page, changing my password to DIEBITCH1. He denied all of it straight to my face...mind games were never beyond him...in fact, he prided himself in being able to control people, which I found to be rather disturbing, and perhaps I was a little selfish, but I wasn't 'down' with being his personal puppet.
It kills me because we were together for 4 years and you'd think that'd hold some relevance and maybe a shred of friendship...but he burnt all the bridges and now I look back on the last couple years with disdain. Drew's allowed to reminisce on his past relationships with a sort of light-hearted fondness, and I don't really feel I have that kind of freedom, because my ex went and screwed me...so now, all the wonderful memories we did have, are now overshadowed by his deceit. I kind of resent it, in a way...because I almost feel as if I'm supposed to erase the past and act as if the relationship never happened. But questions still linger and thoughts still haunt.
When I get to thinking about all of this, I kind of shut down and become very somber. I want to be left alone, because I really don't want to talk to about it...which is probably better, because what kind of person would I be if I felt the need to talk about this? Perhaps normal, I don't know.
Since Drew moved in (last January), I don't feel like I have much of a sanctuary...no secret club house to climb into, until I feel ready to face the world again. So I come home and am bombarded with "What's wrong?"..."What's wrong??"...and I don't want to admit that any of this is on my mind...and I'm pretty certain he doesn't want to hear that my ex still haunts me. I just don't feel like he understands the betrayal I feel and how hard it is for me to just release my confusion and just say, "They suck, whatever," and just be over it. It's understandable that he hates my ex...but at one time, I didn't hate him, and more so, I demanded respect for him. But now, if his name is so much as muttered, Drew's blood boils...and I am quietly tormented because of it.
A lot of it comes down to the fact that I don't understand how a person could do to me what he did to me without an inkling of regret. If I'm wrong about something or have wronged someone, I feel so incredibly awful and I always offer my most sincere apology... and even though it doesn't take back what was wrong, it offers an amount of resolution to the situation. And if nothing else, it demands some respect; being able to acknowledge ones faults and take responsibility for ones actions is a brave trait, I think.
I suppose I just find it hard to accept that people are so hazardous with other peoples feelings and emotions...I never meant to hurt him...[but] he meant to hurt me...[so] I'm glad I hurt him...[and] I disappoint myself a little bit because of that...call it a defense mechanism, my defense mechanism.
