Holiday Funk

It's officially Christmas morning...seven minutes in, to be annoyingly exact. It doesn't feel like Christmas...it hasn't at all this year. To me, it's just another day...except I'm supposed to be shopping for everyone I know, when I don't feel like shopping at all, while everyone in town is crowding the stores that I need to buy gifts in. No season spirit...no holly jolly...I'm sick of wrapping gifts...the snow didn't set the mood, it only worked as a hindrance because my little go-kart of a car doesn't really handle two or three feet of snow so well...they forgot to take the ink theft tags off some of the gifts I got...and I really just don't wish to play this game this year...

I don't want anything for Christmas...and more than that, I don't want a bunch of shit I don't need for Christmas...like anything from Bath & Body Works...or yet another tea set (we aren't collecting them...I got him one in Thailand, I got me one in Thailand...then we moved in together, so we have a grand total of two ((soon to be three))...we don't collect cats, or cars, or toothbrushes either.)

I know this is a poor attitude to have...sue me.

I suppose there is one thing I'd love for Christmas...a ring...a promise of spending the rest of my life with the man I love...that'd be just swell. Last week at work, some girl who I hardly know comes over and started asking about my relationship and how long have we been together and what not...then says, "I predict you're going to have a really great new year...because I know something..." and she's all smiling like a goddamn fool. It took everything in me not to slam her face in the wall...where does she think she gets off having that conversation with me and implying Drew's going to propose...like that's a topic that in any way warrants her input. I'm sure he won't anyways...not for a holiday...we've already discussed this. But that's pretty much the only thing I want...and I wouldn't mind getting pictures from friends of their growing families. That's it...make a note.

Silently Haunted

The uncertainty is haunting her
She awakes to start the day
Rolls her eyes, twists and turns
As she shrugs her thoughts away

Thoughts that are all too rational
Coherent and blood-chillingly true
Voice of reason, be stifled, be still
This mind wasn't meant to be used

The facade grows thicker each day
When she pretends and paints on her smiles
Harder to drown out the voices that raise
Questioning why she runs the wrong way for miles

She doesn't have time
No time to care, please!
Stop the riddles and rhymes
As she breaks and falls to her knees

She feels so worthless
Only good for a laugh
A distressed little mess
That's not quite up to the task

Of living this life
And living it well
Have standards, have pride
Stand up for herself

So, for the love of life, scream if it helps
Scream from the depths of her soul
To hear and be heard, to feel and be felt
Silent is not how one should intent to grow old

About me...only too much so.

Okay...so basically, I was looking to update my "About Me" portion of my Myspace page. In hindsight, I've decided it's a little too personal and I'd rather people not know quite so much.


I have a desperate need to find the reason or logic that fuels a persons irrational choices...the lives some people choose to lead just baffle the hell out of me...they seem so senseless, both in action and in existence. It's kinda like when I lose something...I go crazy...not necessarily because I need it, but because I simply need to know where it went. I just need to know...to understand why...and if I can't, odds are, it'll weigh on my mind much longer than I'd care to admit it does.

I'm a worry-wort...got it from my mama, along with being a hopeless pack-rat.

I'm a sentimentalist...I have a bubblegum wrapper from the first time my boyfriend tried to catch my eye almost three years ago...I have two tickets to see The Fray that were never used...I have this silly little turtle candle that I got on my seventeenth birthday...I have a snow globe that my brother gave to me when he left to go into the military, that's since been broken and still has jagged glass all around it...I saved movie stubs since high school, although they've since been stolen...I have a mixed cd that Ashley left in my car from the first time she came back from Pittsburgh to visit, from which I love I Believe by Blessid Union of Souls. I'm a camera whore and love the ability to capture memories in the making...welcome to my virtual scrapbook.

Love Doesn't Make The Rest Irrelevant

I've never known a happiness like this before...awaking every day the person most dear to me...sharing so many treasured moments with him, sharing my life with him...it's almost surreal. I love this part of my life...and sometimes, I think that's really all that matters and all that I need in life...and then I go to work...

Work's been ridiculously awful lately. I've pretty much been over-looked for a position that I'm more than qualified to assume. What's worse, is that there were many, like 30, positions that I was denied from...leaving me with a job that's soon to be obsolete. I'm feeling discouraged and insulted...among countless other appalled feelings. I'm watching as people with half the seniority and no qualifications get a job, that by all logic, should be mine...it's disheartening...it makes me not want to put forth any effort at work at all, knowing it won't get me anywhere. And every day, they some how find a way to make me feel more disregarded then before.

With all of this irrationalness spewing all around my work place...I'm even concerned that I may not have a job for much longer. If my new superiors are unable to understand the significance of my credentials and my work ethics now, and I lack the personal blatantness to throw it all in front of them and relieve them of doing any actual supervising whatsoever...I can only imagine how much worse it's going to be in the future. With a broken spirit, I doubt my performance is going to be as shiny as it is now...
...I'm breaking. :(