supernova

Life is hard...I don't know if I can do it...I feel like a shell, completely empty and cold and oh-so alone. I feel like I do sooo much, from the minute I wake to the desperately desired moment I get to rest my worn-down head on the pillow at night...and my days run about 18-20 hours. I don't get restful sleep, because the minute Timmy wakes up, my whole body jumps into gear...and when I'm not working or nursing, I'm cleaning baby bottles or doing laundry or pumping or doing school work. I'm committed, fully. I guess I thought I'd have more help...and I can't just protest and start slacking on all these responsibilities, because then my angel will suffer...and I promised, I swore up and down to myself that I would do anything for my son...it's just hard to do everything...or at least feeling like I do. I'm tired...and no matter my might, I think I'm burning out, "collapsing into myself like a dying star."

Well...it's starting time...here we go.

Juggling Act

Welp, momma's back to work these days. I'm amazed that we've managed two full work weeks with zero issues...I guess I was preparing for the worst, but our drop-off plan seems to be working relatively well. I work during the day, Drew drops TimTim off at my folks on his way to work, and I pick him up on my way home. I'll be completely honest...it's nice to get out of the house and have a few hours in the day that aren't focused on diapers and nursing. But I certainly would prefer a part time gig...crying on my way to work is taking it's emotional toll.

So, after stalking a strangers blog (I know, creepy...but not really, cuz that's what blogs are for, sharing) I have devised a plan: I'm doing more school to get a medical transcription and editing degree!

The schooling is all done online, and with this degree, I can get a job and work from home and therefore, be able to raise my kid as well. Then possibly go to a part time server so I still get a few hours a week out of the house and make good money in the process. Win win win! I'm making my way through the curriculum pretty slowly...but it's kind of inevitable that I can't go whole hog into this. I can only study for so long while Timmy's awake before he needs mom to be hands on...which is fine, because he's the one I'm doing this for...it just stinks having to juggle this goal and my time with him. And once he's asleep and I can focus on studying, my eyes get heavy and I start falling asleep while trying to read. It's hard...I'm awake before the boys and then am up and going all day before I can crash. Any free time I have, I put towards school, and if I don't I feel like I'm being lazy and unproductive...like right now, blogging instead of schooling. I really wish I had started this while I was on maternity leave, cuz working full time on this, the degree takes four months...so I coulda been 3 months done by now...oh well, hind sight. Right now I'm hoping to be done in 6 months...fingers crossed!!

I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for Timmy and our family and any future children we have...and also that I need to take some time for myself as well, so I don't burn out. I'm so excited for this year and the anticipation of accomplishing this goal! It's nice to have definite goals for once...not just going to school to be going to school! Ha.