So...I'm throwing myself a big party for my birthday...sure, it seems kinda lame that one would have to throw themselves a party, but hey, that's me! I'm pretty damn excited about it, I've got a limo and everything...but some people are acting like it's an inconvenience and are more concerned about the other people attending than the whole ordeal itself. I think that's pretty uncool.
I haven't tried to have a big party since I was eight or nine; I invited everyone in my class (like some 30 kids) to come to Bumpers in the mall and play video games and have pizza...3 people showed up. I was devastated, and ever since have had this enormous fear to make plans or throw parties, because it always seems to toy with my emotions...I get so excited, only to be so disappointed in the end...it hurts. It'd be so much easier if I had Krystle here, to get excited with and to know won't let me down.
I think my wedding will be a small one, cause I can't handle the possible disappointment...
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Care Free
Boys stare, girls glare
Consumed by confusion
Please all, please none
Always wanting but never won
Lost, hurt, alone again
Wish for more through a pen
Don't care to care
Getting used to unfair
Miss the few
That really knew
Heart is empty
Mind is reeling
Fists white, clenched
Feeling backed to a fence
Swing at who
Fools who don't or fools who do...
I really feel alone sometimes. I miss my best friend, I could always rely on her...and I can't find that with anyone else. People seem self involved and indifferent. Who cares? Why are girls so catty? Why, every time I become friends with a guy, does it never last? Why are the married guys not allowed to talk to me unless wifey is out of town? Why do people act like they know I'm a bitch when they don't know me at all? Why am I becoming so much more quiet and tuning out all the thoughts in my head? Why is it so damn hard for me to accept people for worthless and just be my awesome self without concern? I hate myself for caring.
Consumed by confusion
Please all, please none
Always wanting but never won
Lost, hurt, alone again
Wish for more through a pen
Don't care to care
Getting used to unfair
Miss the few
That really knew
Heart is empty
Mind is reeling
Fists white, clenched
Feeling backed to a fence
Swing at who
Fools who don't or fools who do...
I really feel alone sometimes. I miss my best friend, I could always rely on her...and I can't find that with anyone else. People seem self involved and indifferent. Who cares? Why are girls so catty? Why, every time I become friends with a guy, does it never last? Why are the married guys not allowed to talk to me unless wifey is out of town? Why do people act like they know I'm a bitch when they don't know me at all? Why am I becoming so much more quiet and tuning out all the thoughts in my head? Why is it so damn hard for me to accept people for worthless and just be my awesome self without concern? I hate myself for caring.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
People Always Leave...
So, I'm back from my vacation, and everything went rather smoothly for the most part...our planes didn't crash...our house was still standing when we got home...all in all, I was very pleased.
Drew's family is everything I expected...the kind of people who stand up for what they believe in and who they car
e for. I see the relationship he has with his parents, like a friendship, only much more, and it makes me ache...I've never really had that with my parents, I'm just a child to them...and not one they seem particularly proud of. I love them, and I know they love me...it's just, different. I'm glad he has that kind of support system to fall on, makes it easier to understand how he could just pack up one day and move clear across the country...my mom was upset when I bought a house that was more than five minutes away from her...and claims she doesn't ever visit because it's so far away...it's about fifteen minutes away from her house. But at the same time, I have to take into account that she's from Thailand and their family structure was completely different...you don't move out until you get married, and sometimes not even then...and when she moved over to the states to start a family, it's understandable that she'd prefer her children not pack up and abandon her. I just wish I had her blessing sometimes...without that, it makes it hard for me to make decisions based on what's right for me, instead of what won't hurt her. I shouldn't reduce my personal goals for anyone, and no one who truly cares for me should be selfish enough to ask me to...but it's family...that's my family.
I also got to see my friend Krystle...I forget sometimes how much I
miss that girl. But the minute we get together, even if it's been months since we last talked, it's like we never missed a beat...I miss that. I told her how she's been the friend who's never let me down and how much that's meant to me. She confessed to me that she hadn't been that good of a friend until she met me, and that for some reason, she never wanted to let me down. She knew the kind of friends I'd had before her and I think she needed to prove to me that not everybody is crap. I wish she lived here sometimes...but I know she's gotten so great because she's not here. It was one of those situations where she had to be removed from her norm to keep her from continuing down the path she was on...at least she thinks so...I think she's strong, and would've done it regardless, but her leaving allowed less opportunity to back slide. I just miss her and wish that she was around sometimes...I need her sometimes.
Drew's family is everything I expected...the kind of people who stand up for what they believe in and who they car
e for. I see the relationship he has with his parents, like a friendship, only much more, and it makes me ache...I've never really had that with my parents, I'm just a child to them...and not one they seem particularly proud of. I love them, and I know they love me...it's just, different. I'm glad he has that kind of support system to fall on, makes it easier to understand how he could just pack up one day and move clear across the country...my mom was upset when I bought a house that was more than five minutes away from her...and claims she doesn't ever visit because it's so far away...it's about fifteen minutes away from her house. But at the same time, I have to take into account that she's from Thailand and their family structure was completely different...you don't move out until you get married, and sometimes not even then...and when she moved over to the states to start a family, it's understandable that she'd prefer her children not pack up and abandon her. I just wish I had her blessing sometimes...without that, it makes it hard for me to make decisions based on what's right for me, instead of what won't hurt her. I shouldn't reduce my personal goals for anyone, and no one who truly cares for me should be selfish enough to ask me to...but it's family...that's my family.I also got to see my friend Krystle...I forget sometimes how much I
miss that girl. But the minute we get together, even if it's been months since we last talked, it's like we never missed a beat...I miss that. I told her how she's been the friend who's never let me down and how much that's meant to me. She confessed to me that she hadn't been that good of a friend until she met me, and that for some reason, she never wanted to let me down. She knew the kind of friends I'd had before her and I think she needed to prove to me that not everybody is crap. I wish she lived here sometimes...but I know she's gotten so great because she's not here. It was one of those situations where she had to be removed from her norm to keep her from continuing down the path she was on...at least she thinks so...I think she's strong, and would've done it regardless, but her leaving allowed less opportunity to back slide. I just miss her and wish that she was around sometimes...I need her sometimes.
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