Possibilities...

Think I'm going to go back to school...the new club isn't working out for me. It's not even the kind of atmosphere I'd like unless I'm wasted...and I think that'd be a conflict of interest, trying to drink and work. Don't know exactly what I'll do, as far as school goes, but I gotta do somethin...

Kindness n Honesty n Shit.

Life is a path, by which is determined by the decisions you make when opportunities are presented or possibilities seem possible so you take that leap of blind faith or when you're royally fucked over, once again and have to crawl your way out of a pit of despair. Now, I'm not saying I end up in this pit a great deal...but I do seem to find myself there more often than one would like...if one were to like it at all. Someone told me the other day that I'm their friend...and that they didn't have many they could say that of...that I was kind from the start, and never faltered. It's true, I guess. I am kind...I'm so damn kind, that it takes me to the bank! And if not...I almost feel like it's rotting my soul to be so kind. It's like a sickness, almost. Granted, being kind and shit has found me among a handful of truly dear friends...but, it seems so overshadowed by the backstabbing and the lies and the hatred and the hurt and the pain and the bitter bitter realization that I, little Miss Kind, allowed someone in who was morally corrupted...AGAIN. I see pictures...in dust-covered picture frames...in scrapbooks...in the blacked-out parts of my mind...and these people, whether they knew it or not...were given this wonderful opportunity to be friends always with an amazingly great person (hi, ME!) and they chose to blow it instead. And they always, always lied about it...like, somehow, I was to blame for all the wrong that went...like, I played the betraying part...but I don't, it was always them who played the politics game and madly spun the truth. It's almost as if they know how hard it is for me to deal with life when people think I'm a scam. I'm not, nor have I been, practically ever, a person who lies about who I am and what I know. Granted, when I was young, like 14 and under, I lied a lot, (you know, 'yes of course I did my homework,' or 'I don't know who let the kittens into the house.')...and maybe from the ages of 14 to 18, I lied some ('I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize the speed limit changed from 70 to 60,' or 'I'll call you back...or later...or sometime within the foreseeable future...perhaps before we're gray and old and our bones begin to creek.)...but honestly, honesty is something I consider a great liberator...a fraud is something I never wish to be, and the worst feeling in the world is getting caught in a lie, I think. I don't lie anymore...Do you know why I pulled you over?...if I was speeding, "I bet it's cause I was going too fast!" or if it's four in the morning and their looking for some D.U.I.'s and pulled me and my cranky ass over, Do you know why I stopped you?, "I sure don't! Do you know why??' and I say it mean, too, and I glare...so there's no mistaking in my tone that I feel they are wasting MY time. Why lie?? What good does it do? Why would anyone want to live their life in their own twisted manipulations? It's too much work, being a liar, I think...maybe I'm just too damn lazy to lie.

Impulse...

This Saturday's the big unveiling of the casino's newest remodeled addition, Club Impulse. I'm nervous...this whole situation's been a nightmare, not knowing if I'd be able to pay my mortgage and all the other bills rolling in. Working all over the casino, every day wearing a different uniform...having some of my favorite customers look at me with such sympathy, it's embarrassing. And it wasn't until three days ago, that I knew for sure that I was even going to be part of the staff in there! It's been nerve racking...and one didn't make the cut, who should have...and one made it, who really shouldn't have. I feel like the management's being very trite and belittling and just, unbelievably arrogant. It's like second grade; well you didn't give me a Valentine, so you can't come to my birthday party!

Impulse is only going to be open four days a week, unless it manages to prove itself worthy of being open more often. I'm hoping it does, but I almost feel as if it's being set up to flop on it's ass...it's going to be non-smoking (the old bar, Legends, wasn't), open 7-2, with a dress code, and a cover charge. Please...how ya gonna say 'you can't wear jeans!' when the casino is located in Airway Heights, where the residents live off well-fare and don't have teeth!? And a cover charge??!? Any gambler would first and foremost put that five or ten dollars on a wish and a dream, roll the dice, spin the wheel...boom, you're broke!

On a bright note, the new outfits are pretty awesome...nothing like the clown outfits the rest of the casino crew is dressed in. They actually purchased our new digs at Nordstroms...which isn't where I do my shopping, but at least it's real clothes. It's functional too...no more ripping seams when I reach too high...like The Hulk, only weakish and small. :)

I'm really trying to be optimistic about this whole thing, but...I've seen how this new management operates...and it's not okay. I guess time will tell.