Failing...

Being a parent is hard.

I can handle the sleepless nights...the putting someone else's needs before my own...exhausting hours of hide-n-seek or chase-me-around or light-switch-flipping or whatever the new trick is that's beyond fascinating to their growing little minds. All of that, I can do...but the discipline...that's where I raise my white flag and say uncle.

Drew and I never really discussed what form of discipline we'd use with our kids. I'm pretty sure he thought he could just raise his voice, (because his father had a booming voice, and he and his brother knew that meant business if it got to that point,) and that would do the trick. You might scoff at his green assumption...but you might want to wait until you hear my idea. I thought I would reason with the children...you know, use logic and sensibility...all the things a little child is bound to understand. I would say, "Don't push your brother over, because that's not nice," and then my three year old son would say, "You're right mom, that wasn't nice; and I won't do it again because there is absolutely no reason for me to act out like that." Umm, duh. Seems simple enough to me. Alas, anyone with young children can tell you, it simply can't go down that way. There must be a meltdown, there must be tears, there must be yelling, and there must be LOTS of crying, with lots of snot being wiped on everything within arms reach...and there will be zero understanding.

Every child's different...but somehow all the other children seem slightly more advanced than mine. I feel like I try so hard to gain ground, but there's always a force pushing me back...sometimes dad, sometimes grandma, sometimes it's my own damn self.

Here's my failure list:

-Timmy is 3 years old and still gets a bottle. This is something I have been fighting, and two nights ago, Drew and I both agree'd no more milk bottle before bed. So as of right now, he gets a water bottle in the middle of the night when he crawls into bed with us...simply because I can't handle the dead of the night wailing. (okay, I wrote this blog a few weeks ago ((I think, been busy)) and have since managed to completely rid my home of bottles!! I will take that teeny, itty bitty victory with my head held high!)

-Timmy's sleeps with us. Every. Night. Just gets up from his bed and comes into our room.

-Timmy's uses a diaper...and when asked if he needs to use the potty, he repeatedly says "NO." But is more than happy to tell us when he needs a diaper change. I'm going to try to hit this nail on the head next week. Cloth diapering was my attempt to get him to notice being wet...but turns out that cloth diapers are quite good at whisking away wetness. (And a few weeks down the road, that nail is still sticking out like a sore thumb...whatever.)

Drew thinks Timmy's slow...I think we've been too lenient and have kind of caused this slow grade of learning. He excels at so many things...but I think I've fallen short at teaching him skills he should have learned by now (like feeding him, instead of allowing him to feed himself...we cripple his abilities and our own freedom...and Drew's currently trying to fall down this well with Levi, which I am not letting happen!). There's many different explanations for his learning style, but he's come SO far in the past few months, I really don't think anything's wrong with him.

Holiday Rush

I'm so tired today. Levi's been teething and we've finally weaned Timmy from the bottle...so nights are a little sketchy. 

Holiday stress is hovering over me and I feel like I can't catch up! Who's bright idea was it to make DIY gifts for everyone?! Oh, that's right, mine. I've been making Menu boards, I Love You Because boards, a hat rack, and need to start on some photo transfers. Of course it doesn't help that I broke my computer and lost a great deal of my recent photos and most of my music, and had to pay nearly two hundred dollars just to have a blank computer back. Thank god my brother's a geek and had it all backed up since until March! And also that I'm such a picture whore and upload most of my favorites to Facebook...otherwise I'd be out all the pictures I've taken from March until now! What's frustrating still, is that although I still have all my wedding pictures on a DVD, the edits that took me weeks to do...gone. So much for ordering wedding prints anytime soon. Eh, what's done is done, and thankfully most of it was saved...and the music can be replaced.

Here's a happy note! Drew mounted our headboard! Love love love it!! Now I just need to order some new bedding and pillows...and figure out what to decorate the wall above the bed with...and curtains...and, is that it?...yeah, that's it!! :)

The boys are growing like crazy! Timmy's come a long way, and almost always communicates with us...granted we still have our meltdowns, just because he clearly tells us he wants a lollipop, doesn't mean a lollipop is going to happen. Levi is walking/running all through the house! I don't know why, but it's blowing my mind how much he understands and how he's learning. I'm not sure if Timmy was the same pace or not...maybe it's just cuz I expect Levi to be and stay my baby forever. :)

Slightly Overwhelmed

Life is starting to get away from me again! I feel like I'm always busy, and never have much down time. With friends coming into town and trying to orchestrate all the meet-ups with them, mommy play dates, planning for Levi's first birthday, family photos, Halloween, pumpkin picking and carving, unfinished crafts, work, life, stupid cloth diapers and laundry in general...I'm feeling pretty stretched thin. Add to that, my bartender at work quit a few days ago, so now everything is going to be different (she's been there 9+ years, I hate change, creature of habit!)...I'm exhausted and strained. 

A bunch of the old Legends gang out to celebrate Becky's new found freedom.

I've been able to edit and post my wedding pictures to FB, but that's about all I've managed to do so far. 

One of my favorites!

We painted our bedroom, which turned out great except the trim is a little uneven. I made a headboard, that looks amazing, but doesn't fit between our windows, so I've gotta figure out how to work around the mathematical error. 

It's kinda hard to see what a big difference a little bit of color has.

My super awesome headboard...still haven't gotten it up yet though.

I made a Halloween costume for myself to wear in the employee contest at work...first place will get $100. Last year my zombie and zombie baby took third place...got beat out by a Tshirt with hands glued over the boobs. 

Naked, censored! Haha...and I won 1st place!

I took a picture of what I was wearing underneath, just in case.

I've been couponing these Fisher Price coupons...they're incredible! I got $149 worth of toys for $15, and have a bunch more coupons still, so this is allowing for some pretty awesome scores for birthdays and Christmas! :) And any leftovers I want to donate to Toys For Tots. Fisher Price has realized their error in wording with these coupons and have since altered them...but I still have $90 worth of the old ones!

My first haul from the coupons! I've made a second one and plan on one more. :)

I started cloth diapering at the beginning of October...and as excited as I am about it, I'm pretty sure I'm failing. There's always something wrong...a smell, an absorbency issue, a leakage issue...I starting to get fed up with them. But I don't want to throw in the towel just yet...I really want them to work! So I'm gonna switch our detergent (one more time) and try stripping them with rlr cleaning stuff...if that fails, I don't know what else to do. :p (I have since realized it was an issue with our washer, being an old front load HE washer...so now I just add 2 gallons of water to each load, and things are going a bit smoother.)

My eczema is particularly bad this season, and I'm out of my prescription cream, which runs $128 for a teeny little tube! When there's a comparable product that's only $4, but I can't have it because that's not what my prescription is written for. Ugh.

Pumpkin Patch.

Levi and his little pumpkin.

Timmy and his pumpkin.

All ready to paint and carve and drill!

All finished.

S for Southard. :)

The boys ghost footprints.

Made the boys matching shirts for our family photos.

Little Bit

Tomorrow we're painting our bedroom!! Oh, I can't wait! Got the paint and supplies today.  

Another wonderful thing, I got our wedding pictures! I finally just texted Carlee how I felt, as honestly and tactfully as I could. I'm bummed that my computer doesn't accept and recognize the card with the pictures...but Drew's tablet shows them...600+!! I'm having the best time looking through them and can't wait to dive in! :)

Angry

It's been 104 days since our wedding...104 days! And I have YET to get my pictures from Carlee. She has since gotten married, posted ALL her wedding pictures on FB, been in another wedding, and turned 23...I think entrusting the most important pictures of my life this far to an engaged 22 year old non-professional was my first mistake. Really thought I was givin her an opportunity to help build her portfolio...not being an inconvenience and a complete nuisance, my bad. I'm so frustrated, I don't even know what to do. "Talk to her mom!" "Tell her how disappointed you are and that you just want your money back!" "Take her to court!" That's all I'm hearing from everyone...and I'm at the point where I just can't be tactful anymore. She's purposely avoiding my messages and ignoring my texts. All I wanted out of my wedding, other than marrying my darling love, was to wear a lovely dress and to take a TON of beautiful pictures. That was seriously it. I feel like she's holding my pictures hostage...I mean seriously...what do I do?? I'm so mad.

If I get too mouthy or take her to court, I risk not getting my pictures at all. Also at stake is my friendship with her parents and brothers, which isn't much of anything anymore, but I'd like to think it's still worth something...so I'm at a complete loss about how to take this on.

Busy Busy Busy

It's been so long since I've posted...I've got SO much to say! Perhaps that's why I've been puttin it off, because I honestly have no idea where to start, or where we'll end up for that matter!! 

Let's start with how busy I've been, because I've become the recipient of a meth-like stamina of energy (is it meth? I don't know) that I've been trying to harness, in hopes to not only get an insane amount of shit done, but to also keep myself from remaining stagnant on the couch, collecting FB updates of people I hardly know and (odds are) don't like. Oh FB, how I love to hate you. I started following a page called Prayers for Corbin...in short, a little boy was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and only survived on this earth for 135 days...in depth, this boy, who was given a 1% chance of being born alive, who was supposedly "incompatible with life" forged though the doubts and opposed all the odds for a staggering 135 days. His mother wrote a diary-type entry to him every day, accounting all his trials and triumphs. I had been following this page for about two months when tragedy struck. I know I didn't know him, or his mom, and I have never known of or been affected by his diagnosis...but I have never felt so devastated as I did on day 135 (except when I watched my grandfather die...that wasn't the most sunshiny day either). I was a wreck. Part of me wanted to call in sick to work, I was so destroyed. How could this little baby boy, who I didn't know and had never met and had zero connection to at all...how'd he break my heart? It was all so inspiring...the courage his mom showed in the face of such a gut-wrenching loss and through it all. I started thinking, "How blessed am I??! To have two beautiful, healthy little boys...to have my health and my life and a wonderful husband and friend to share it with!! I'm the luckiest fool there ever was..." And until Corbin, I hadn't noticed. I spent my days complaining about petty, little trifles that didn't matter and shouldn't matter, when his bucket list had something as simple as "go outside" on it...and here I was wasting my energy on bullshit. I stopped. Here's this beautiful life and I'm wasting it on mundane, worthless rants and pointless drama. (Right around this time I think I started getting more sleep at night too...I think) I started waking up each morning with a list in my head (okay, sometimes I wrote it down, my head's a fuzzy place at the ripe age of 29) of what I wanted to accomplish that day. I stopped caring about FB all day. FB would be there later, once my day had been lived. I started looking for ways to help others, little things. This has left me a little riled up, seeing as how when you're nice, people take advantage. But again with the trifles. I started selling some of my baby things that are no longer needed...bottles being one of them, since my angel decided nothing but a boob will do. Ha. So that led me to the predicament of the frozen breast milk that would go unused by my boob-only little man. I used the mom board that I was selling items on and reached out for anyone in need of breast milk. (I did this before on a human milk for human baby board when my supply was overly-ample for Levi's needs). I got a taker right away, Jennifer. She agreed to come pick up what I had. I got to thinking, 'this is it...this is something nice you can do, be a breast milk doner.' After talking to Jennifer a bit, I learned that she and her wife had a two month old boy who they adopted at birth and were doing their best to keep him only on breast milk. Wow...what a noble goal! Yep, I wanna help. So I started pumping again and keeping Levi in his quiet nursery to encourage nursing without all the distractions. My supply yo-yos, but I've managed to donate about 80-100oz, to go along with the initial 40oz I had. I feel so good, being able to help another family...even if only a little bit. I also started writing a(nother) blog...one to my sons. I want them to know that no matter what happens in life, I absolutely adore the crap out of them, and that they're amazing little beings. Again, thanks to Corbin and Corbin's mom. 

Each of these bags has about 6oz...and this is the second stash, I'm currently working on stash 3!

I made a weekly menu board to help encourage myself to learn to cook, so I could better plan out our week and organize all the ingredients I would need to purchase. After I finished it, I posted a picture on FB and a friend saw it and asked if I could make her one. Sure...why not?! When I finished up hers, I tagged her in the picture of it, then two of her friends asked for one! I didn't realize how popular these would be, so they're turning out to be perfect gift ideas! I'm considering starting another(!) blog with crafts and home projects. :)

The two I made to sell...not gonna ship them anymore, takes too much time, effort, and money, only for them to get destroyed by the USPS! Grr.

I'm in the midst of planning Timmy's third birthday party, which will be Thomas the Train themed and be very low key. Only 3 kids are invited, since my house is so small and Timmy still isn't aware of birthdays and such. Less kids for him to fight with over his new toys. Ha.

My cutie pie is gonna be three!! AHHH!

Timmy being a little goof!

My sweet Levi, getting SO big! Did I mention I chopped off my hair? Right after the wedding.

Life Beyond Happily Ever After...

A pretty accurate depiction of our family...although Levi's a truly happy baby.

It's been 20 days since the wedding...feels like a different lifetime ago! The day itself was so chaotic and overwhelming and stressful, I hardly even remember it. Every time I see a picture, a faint memory comes back to me, but it doesn't even feel like a memory of my own, but that of a dream. I really wish I had given us more time to prep...like going up to the ranch at noon instead of 3pm...having time to take pictures and kind of enjoy it, instead of nose to the grindstone the whole time. Once the dancing and everything started, we really did have a good time, but my nerves kept me overwhelmed most of the day. Everyone tells me the food was delicious and the wedding was beautiful...and I hear that the kids had a great time, what with the candy bar and the cotton candy machine and the photo booth. :) Glad I never have to do that again. I'm still waiting (kind of) impatiently for the pictures Carlee took. She's in the middle of planning her own wedding, so I understand to some extent...but she's given me nothing so far. I'm so anxious to re-live the day through the pictures.

Since the wedding, Drew was working day shift (7:30-3:30pm) which was working incredibly well for our family! He's so responsible with work, that he'd set his alarm, get up and ready and go...then after work, he'd get home and cook dinner or clean or take care of our little guys. I just felt like I finally had help...a true parenting partner. Then it happened, the inevitable...one of his bosses asked him to return to swing shift to help 'develop' the team, because apparently they can't function without him. And this is after they overlooked him for a Sous Chef position he applied for (which I'm glad he didn't get, since it would have meant more responsibility with zero pay increase, he already takes on too much responsibility for that venue), so now it's like he's simply there to pick up all the slack of the guy who did get the promotion and babysit him. How's that Drew's job?!? To babysit his own superior!! I'm pretty upset about it all...and it's not even like Drew requested this change, they forced him onto days in the first place! Grr. This is supposedly a temporary solution...two weeks they say...we'll see.

Levi's 8 months old! He's got one tooth cut on the bottom, and another in the process! He just started crawling and can push himself up to sitting! I'm so in love with this little boy! He also weaned himself from the bottle...so I can't pump anymore without the milk going to waste. Not sure how this will effect us in the long run, weird how I have one extreme with Timmy being 2 with a bottle still and Levi not even taking one (and I bought a few in hopes to get him interested). Timmy's doing great! He's communicating more and more and trying new words...nothing quite sounds exact, but just understanding him and his needs is wonderful. He's learning how to throw a tantrum just right...but we're catching on to him and his punk-outs.

Wedding Blues

I've been feeling so down lately...like I'm doing too much, with no payout or return. This wedding's wearing me out...we're 12 days out and I got a message from a friend saying they're terribly sorry but won't be able to make it, after having already RSVP'd for 2 guests. Seriously?! I've already paid a good amount of money per head, so if you've said you're coming, the very least you can do is show up. Now I feel like I'm just waiting for more of these late 'regrets.' *sigh* And then I've been trying to get toned and tan for the wedding, not thinking much of it...but yesterday, Erin mentioned how tiny I look, so I tried my dress on today...aaannnd...it's too big! When I lift my arms, my boobs come flying out! Crap. So now I've got to get my dress re-fitted, and re-pay for this stupid service...and pay a little extra since it's a rush job. *sigh* I just wanna cry.

Sleepless In This House

I love my family! I love my sweet little boys, trying as they are...they're just amazing! I feel so lucky to have Levi, he's the easiest baby, and so happy...but his sleeping habits are wanting. This momma's starting to feel it, so I figured I'd give sleep training a try...which I almost think is worse than the lack of sleep. Today is day two...and I'll admit that I collapsed on it last night. As I type this, I'm listening to Levi cry in his nursery. I want him to sleep better...I was never able to do this with Timmy since he puked if he cried. I feel guilty, but a sense of desperation. I need this to work. Some days I feel like I'm the only one who makes sacrifices...and the loss of a full nights rest is a huge part of that resentment. I'm upset about the lack of sleep, if I'm capable of changing it, why not give it a go?? Woah...the crying has stopped...dared I say, it worked...? Wha...?!

Wedding Maddness

Ugh, I'm so tired of wedding planning! Even after sending out all the invites, most of the RSVPs never made their way back to us (which is slightly irritating since the postage was on them, they just needed to check a box and throw it back into the mailbox, but whatev)...so today I had to FaceBook message many people to figure out if they're coming. I kinda assumed they weren't and that not sending in their RSVP was their way of letting me know they had zero intention of coming...wrong!! All but two so far have said they're coming. Just when I thought 80 was my ball-park...now it's 100; a difference of about $300 for dinner...not including plate rentals and programs. And according to most of the wedding planning guidelines I've seen (after I winged my timeline) it seems I'm incredibly early with all my planning...I couldn't imagine having waited until a month prior to get a final head-count! My veil came today, but is white instead of ivory, and the seller has yet to get back to me about it. It took 3 tries to finally get our guest book right. I'm just over it today. I'm running out of money, I feel like my own parents don't give a damn, and all I can think when people ask about the bachelorette party, bridal shower, beauty day, rehearsal dinner, wedding day, and wedding night is who's gonna be watching my children? I feel like I'm asking my mom to baby sit them for an entire week!

Geez, I'm such a negative Nancy today!

Wedding Feet...Warm As Ever

After a ton of postage nonsense, we finally got our wedding invites sent! That was last Tuesday and we've received our first six RSVPs in the mail yesterday. I set them on the table, nervous...too nervous to open them. I just kind of assume none of my family will want to come and my friends will all bail. Today, with Drew, I opened those RSVPs...and each one was checked for Wouldn't Miss It For The World! I'm so excited! It's going to be such a wonderful day. There's still SO much to do, but bit by bit, it's all coming together! Can't wait to get married! Eek!

One slight shadow...my Matron of Honor, Krystle, might not be able to make it. *tear* Travis (her husband) just lost his job, so things are a bit shaky and uncertain right now for them. She's pretty stressed out, and I completely understand...life throws curveballs once and a while, and having your sense of security ripped out from underneath you is definitely a feeling I know all too well. If it's a money issue, I'm so paying for her to fly down here and be in the wedding...but if there's scheduling conflicts with Travis possibly getting a new job and them not having anyone to watch the kids, then sadly, my Matron of Honor will Celebrate From Afar. *another tear* I really hope she can make it...

Household of Four

Life has been so hectic and fun since Levi joined our clan. Every day has it's challenges and rewards.

Timmy's still pretty non-vocal with us, and if anything, has regressed since we brought Levi home. I try not to focus on it too strongly, since every child is different and it's common for the first (spoiled) child to learn more through action and whines. I try to redirect him to using words, which will land me in middle of his crazy language with a few Thomas the Train character names thrown in. Ha. I've started limiting his television intake, which was a mistake that I fell into in the first place. It stinks that now that I have the energy to focus attention on him, it's still divided with his brother. He's still learning what he wants to learn...he can count to ten, clean up his trains, and help with little chores around the house.

Levi is huge! He has an appointment in a few days, so I'll find out how much he weighs...according to the constant strain in my shoulder, he's gained a bit! I was so excited to have a new baby to cuddle, and he was that sweet little baby all for a week...then he doubled his birth weight and started sitting on his own at 3 months. I'm SO proud of how quickly he's developing...just sad that if feels like it's going so quickly. He very intrigued by Timmy, his eyes following his big brother everywhere and he's more calm so long as he has Tim in his sights. Unfortunately, Levi's still the little thing that stole attention, as far as Timmy's concerned...so that's still a work in progress. :)

Wedding planning is coming along. It's kind of disheartening that my family doesn't really care...my brother asked if he had to come, or if he could just 'donate' to our cause...my mom didn't want to take a day off for the wedding, until I asked her to walk TJ down the isle, since I expect him to still be timid and completely terrified...my dad, who doesn't want to financially help, is more than happy to come to wine and beer tasting. *sigh* I guess I should expect them to not be excited for me...oh well. Drew's family is thrilled that their son is getting hitched; making plans to fly in from New York and stay a while, and excited to meet their new grand baby.

Drew got a new rig...a Chevy Trailblazer! It's nice, roomy, and has a third row seating option. I really wanted something that would grow with our family. It'll stink on gas mileage, but I'm sure it'll be cheaper to drive that sucker to Seattle than get everyone plane tickets. :)