I've been meaning to blog for a while...and now that I finally get a chance, my mind runs a blank...figures.
Life has been progressing, as life tends to do, and I have been doing my best to situate myself and find stable ground, all the while it continues to shift and complicate itself. I'm growing increasingly nervous...about having another baby, about planning a wedding, about work and my growing distain for it, yet absolute need for it...but that's a constant struggle, hah.
Let us start with the baby. I'm never going to get to sleep...never, ever again. I fight with Timmy now as to whether I've earned a full night of sleep, and usually he wins. How am I supposed to fight with a momma's boy toddler, while nursing and caring for a new born? Am I going to be able to have the vaginal birth I so desire to have and am a candidate for, yet still considered high-risk...or am I going to have to succumb to my doctors wishes and have a repeat cesarean? And if I do end up being hacked open again, how am I going to handle my duties as a mother in those first few weeks...I mean, newborns are small, so carrying one won't be too hard, but my Timmy is not so small. How am I going to cuddle him and hold him, when it's a gut-wrenching pain to so much as laugh? Of course doctors and hospitals are scared to attempt VBACs, because they don't have control over the situation, it will be labor and will follow it's own course and have a slight 1 in 2000 chance that my uterus will hemorrhage and I'll bleed to death in a matter of minutes...which is a complete possibility during a regular birth without prior cesarean history also. Other than diapers and maybe a few new things, we have everything we need for baby #2: got the garage door opener, so I can park there instead of the street and safely haul in my kids--got the annex cleared out, cleaned up, and it's nearly ready for Timmy to move into (still waiting on outlets and for it to cool down because the annex get's very hot...next year, we'll need two ACs upstairs for sure!) I do still need to sort through Timmy's old clothes and decide what we'll want to reuse, and what isn't something worth keeping around. I suppose that kind of gives it away, we're having another boy! I was heartbroken at first, having wanted a girl...but now consider myself incredibly lucky to be having a boy. It makes it a little easier...not needing to buy a whole new wardrobe for a girl and concern myself with the differences of raising a strong little girl as opposed to a well-behaved little boy. I'm not sure if anyone's going to throw a baby shower or sprinkle for our new little man, and I don't want to throw one for myself, because I don't want people to think I'm trying to score a bunch of free stuff when I already have everything I need...I guess I don't want to be tacky. Plus, everyone I know is already so busy with life and kids of their own, that I don't wanna trouble them for a party...I feel like a burden lately.
Then there's wedding planning. I need to get addresses and print out labels and send out Save the Dates; that's the step I'm currently on...but I feel so socially awkward lately, like why would anyone want to come to my wedding? And after going to a friend's wedding the other day, I don't know if I could handle having that much attention focused on me for an entire evening. Of course I'll be able to drink, so that will definitely help take the edge off my nervousness...but at the moment, I just feel like an obligation.
I'm sure it's just the hormones that are making me feel so worthless and overwhelmed...but that doesn't make the feelings vanish or any less real. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for our new addition coming in November and thrilled to finally marry my best friend...it's all just a lot. I'm so glad I have 6 months in between welcoming our new son and actually getting married...so I don't have to have it all figured out now.
