Wish...

I'm always fooled
It's easy to do
Unable to ever distinguish the truth

What you said to 'her'
I should have known better
Than to think it wasn't just you being clever

My heart doesn't break
My soul doesn't shake
But idiocy fills my mind for taking the bait

I love you so much
My skin always flush
Aching and yearning for one single touch

Let down my guard
Such disregard
Rationality broken down to: how green is your yard?

Into your arms
Disarmed by your charms
You were actually the man I knew all along

Our tale of love
About rising above
Why get distracted by the past and what was?

Simple minded today
Wish the memory would fade
What does anyone know about love anyway?

Household : 3

Life has been outstanding these days. I'm still on maternity leave from work, so I get to spend all day, every day with our little snug bug. Being a parent is certainly a challenge, to say the least! But never have I felt so rewarded, as I do by a simple smile from that child. He's amazing and sweet and precious as hell! He grows by the day and I love witnessing when he hits new milestones...holding his head up, smiling, laughing, cooing...and to think there's still countless more to come!

I'm absolutely dreading going back to work...but I still have 3 weeks off, so I try not to focus on that just yet. The holidays so far have been wonderful, and just having our son around makes it seem that much more complete...even if he just sleeps next to us while we carve pumpkins or make a wish on the wishbone of the Thanksgiving bird. I've been trying my hand at baking and such...first a pumpkin pie from scratch...then gingerbread for our house...today Reese's peanut butter cup cookies with green and red M&M's on top. I'm not doing too bad. Next I want to make cornbread...always loved the stuff, but sometimes it can taste dry, it'd be nice to learn to make it and make it awesome!

Today, Drew and I are going to finish putting together our gingerbread home...we decorated it but haven't assembled it just yet. I so want to get our tree and decorate it and make our house all warm and festive and full of warm holiday cheer...but alas, we're waiting for Drew's mom and Mike to come over from New York! I'm so excited for them to meet their beautiful grandson! I didn't realize that Drew's mom has actually been waiting for a grand baby for years...before I even came along. Drew was with his last girlfriend for five years, following her over from Yellowstone...so his mom kind of assumed that was gonna be it...and then I stuck my pretty little head in the picture, haha. She's been thanking me for giving her something she's wanted for so long! So this little baby of ours was very warmly welcomed by his family. Life is just marvelous, and I'm happy as can be.

Once I go back to work, I'm sure my tune will change...for many reasons...I just hope I can find a way to not be away from our son for 80 hours a week, cause just the thought of it breaks my heart.

My punkin pie.

Lil Boxer.

Mama and her lil bug.

My butterball.

Our Thanksgiving.

My love.

Our love.

Timothy James Southard

Baby Timothy James came into our world at 8:03 PM on September 25th, 2010 weighing in at 6lbs 13 oz and 22 inches long.

Labor started on the evening of the 24th, although I had no idea that's what was going on...the contractions weren't exactly what everyone led me to believe they should feel like. We checked into the maternity ward at 11:11 AM (make a wish ;] ) on the 25th. Labor in general was nothing like I thought it would be...the water breaking was more disgusting than I could have ever imagined! The pain was tolerable for me until the back labor kicked in...and eventually kicked my butt. All the front, pelvic contractions I handled just fine...but the back contractions got stronger and more frequent than the other and I was only getting a minute or less in between contractions...which is a huge misconception, thank you TV. I was doing alright up until I was dilated to a seven around 4PM...but when they checked on me an hour later, I was only dilated to a six, because my cervix had swollen due to me pushing down through the contractions. "You need to stop tensing up during your contractions." Um sure...oh hey, can you come closer to the bed so I can punch you...or smack you with my IV cord? That back-step broke me, and after trying one of the drugs to 'take the edge off' which did zero for my pain, I went for the epidural. Damn.

At around 7:10 PM, I started pushing. Things seemed to be going well...they said they saw his head moving down with every push. Then I heard my doctor whisper, "I don't like that." "DON'T LIKE WHAT?!?!" I panicked. She looked at me, shocked that I had heard her...as if she isn't the one person/thing I'd be focusing on at this particular time...sure, lets turn on the Food Network and I'll see what easy, 30-minute meals they're showcasing today...come on, you're delivering my child, you got my attention! They told me it was nothing, and to give it another push. After that push, I was told to stop, as they started prepping me to move to the operating room for an emergency C-section. I just started bawling...this is exactly what I didn't want, and really wasn't emotionally prepared for. Turns out, the placenta had abrupted from the uterus...which caused Timmy's heart rate to drop. So they wheeled me off, and in 8 minutes, they had me in and him out.

I'm so grateful that they were able to act as fast as they did and save our little boy. But honestly, I'm bummed that I was out for his big entrance, and even when they took me to my room after the operation, I was still completely under the effects of the drugs, so I don't remember much...except texting people and falling asleep mid-text...and repeatedly saying, "I can't keep my eyes open." I had no sense of time or what was really going on. And every time I fell asleep, I was back in the delivery room, pushing...I felt like the whole ordeal was incomplete in a way, even subconsciously.

Recovering has been an obstacle with a newborn. I fancy myself a capable, strong person...and here I am hobbling around the house, crawling up the stairs, and climbing into the shower...covered in spit-up and pee, and grimacing all the while. Every cough and laugh evoked a gut-stabbing pain and over-all, I felt just awful. But then there's that little face...those little fingers...those little, beautiful dimples that he very rarely shows off...those 'little' things make the world of difference and I'd do it all over again for our handsome man!

Four weeks have gone by, and I feel able-bodied again, thankfully! I'm enjoying the time off work, getting to know our son...he's so remarkable...can't believe we made him, he's part of us...I mean, wow...and P.S. he's beautiful! Looks just like his dad. :)

The morning of the 25th.

Our little man!

Proud parents...me, completely out of it.

Me and my boy.Swaddled with love.Going home with my little bug.Father and son.

Family.

Timothy James Southard <3

Knocked-Up Update

We've made it 34 weeks! Only 6 to go...if our little bugger feels like going full term. I'm hoping he does, because Blue October is coming to town and will be performing three days before my due date, and I won't leave him that early if he's already popped out...so I only get to go if he hangs in there! :) As I'm sure you can already tell, we're having a boy...a Mr. Timothy James!

I'm absolutely huge! But it's all baby, my little pumpkin seed! I'm my normal size with this round, sometimes, somewhat lop-sided belly. I love it, and love watching my stomach as Timmy moves around and spazz's out. It's so amazing, knowing that I have this little life inside me, and seeing him practicing his reflexes and things...it's so neat!

At our last doctor's appointment, we learned that he's head down...and I do feel like he's dropping ever so slightly, which is another great sign that he's going to follow all the protocol for a complication-free delivery. He must be a genius...especially considering I feel so very spacey these days. Everything is ready for his arrival...crib is all put together and the bedding is in place...all the newborn clothes has been washed and put away...we've gotten strollers and car seats and bases for both of our cars. I just need to get a birth plan figured out and a go-bag packed, and we're good to go! I'm very excited about labor...perhaps I'm a little deluded about the whole concept, I'm eager and maybe a little naive. But honestly, I can't wait for the whole experience...and I plan on having a natural birth, so we're crossing our fingers that Timmer's doesn't have an abnormally large head! Ha. Oh I can't wait to meet him!! And for Drew to meet his son...wow!! It's gonna be such a happy, maybe somewhat painful, day! :)

"Family"

I've never been much of a family-oriented person...not to say that both my mother and father's sides of the family weren't loving...I just felt like I was always kept at arms length, which isn't exactly heart-warming. I'm the (self-proclaimed) 'black sheep' of the the family...my mother being Thai and expecting me not to move out of the house until I was married with kids, and maybe not even then...my father not being exceptionally religious, like his brothers and sisters, thus keeping my brother and I out of the cousins holy circle camping trips and what have yous.

This pregnancy has been such a gift, allowing me to discover my ideals as far as family is concerned. Knowing that I want to be able to have a relationship with my children beyond "because I said so!" or "when you grow up, you'll understand." I want conversations, I want a bond, I want traditions (even the corny ones!)...I want a family!

I'm so excited to start this journey...and absolutely terrified...which I've been told is completely normal. Drew, my baby-daddy, is in this 100%. My family doubts us because we've yet to get hitched (I refuse to get married while I'm fat, end of story!) and it's a sin and all that goodness...but they don't seem to understand love beyond the bible and blind faith. We're in love...and this little miracle is the fruit of this love we share...it was no accident...you don't go 26 years without getting knocked up by accident either. I don't believe the label of a ring or a marriage license in any way qualifies a couple to be ready to have a child. Our hearts are in this, and we just felt ready. :]

I Wouldn't Call It Regret.

Yesterday was a bad day for me.

I worked an eleven and a half hour shift, with some little twit of a girl who just didn't care about her job performance. We clean hotel rooms...which is no cake walk...but it's not brain surgery either. This girl cleaned 3 rooms in eight hours...and not well! I just wanted to fire her, but don't have the authority...and I really didn't see a point into calling her aside and saying, "I'm gonna need you to start caring and, ya know, maybe trying." I'm guessing she's about 18 or 19 years old and she's never had a job and that she really doesn't like 'working.' That's just great. So I spent my very long, taxing day, picking up after this child...who actually went out of her way to rinse out dirty coffee cups and simply replace them in the room. So yeah, after work, I was pretty livid, to say the least.

Then I went to say bye to Drew, who had been pulled to the Woodlands kitchen because it was so busy. I get down there and I see the mayhem and the stress and food just dying in the window...and after working almost twelve hours prior, my heart ached to be a part of this insanity...to feel the sense of accomplishment after running my butt off and the rewarding feeling of counting out my tips at the end of the night. I miss serving...the customers, the interaction, the feeling of knowing I'm great at what I'm doing and proving it time and again.

I know I chose to leave this world behind...and I know I wouldn't be happy if I hadn't...and I know that the path I chose is stable and reliable...and yet, still I yearn.

Drew doesn't like to see me 'wanting' to be a server...and I really don't blame him, I was miserable. But it was never the serving, it was the management...which is exactly why I chose to be a supervisor, so I could be part of the solution...ahh, enlightenment, glad I found you! Took my whole self-pity spew to have that revelation!

Bun In The Oven

I'm 17 weeks pregnant! I've been keeping a little diary about all my little feelings and anticipations, but nothing really sharable or interesting. So, I figured I'd do a quick(ish) rundown.

Everything has been going marvelously, with zero morning sickness or mood swings (considering I find justification for each teeny-tiny outburst I've had). I do have this really excellent back pain...with an awesome dash of acne! I kept the pregnancy to myself and close friends and family until we were safely into the second trimester...which hasn't been hard, since my baby bump is practically nonexistent! And I swear, I'm gonna start selling tickets to the 'Watch Amanda Grow Fat' show...cuz everybody wants to see it! Haha.

My due date is October 2nd...that's right, little baby T.J. is gonna be my birthday present!! Boy or girl, the initials will be T.J., which totally wasn't planned...but quite convenient. ;)

I'm slowly coming to terms with the frightening realization that I'm a total worry-wort. I'm so concerned about the health and well-being of our child. I know there's really not much I can do to prevent any issues, but of course I worry anyhow.

Ultimately we want a healthy little baby, but if given a choice, Drew would like a boy...and I would like a boy, just so baby number two (no plans of yet, just sayin) can be whatever it wants! :) I dream it's a boy, but have a feeling it's a girl. But honestly, just a happy, healthy baby, boy or girl, will be one adored little babe!! We've been busy nesting like crazy...from painting the nursery's yellow walls and a blue ceiling with little puffy clouds...to setting up the changing table and glider chair (the crib still awaits in its box).

I switched to day shift a few weeks back, which has been really great, work-wise...but relationship-wise, it's rough. I'm exhausted by the time Drew gets home, and am off to work before he wakes up. Today, he stayed up all night playing video games (which typically means his mind won't shut off), and when I came down at six in the morning, there he was, showering me with his love and how much he misses me. Awe! I'm soo thankful that we have the same days off...I don't think I could manage without those two days of heaven-on-earth each week.

Life is just so perfect and I'm happier than I've ever imagined possible! Drew and I have some great plans in store for the next few months...and we're looking forward to enjoying each others company while it's still just the two of us! :]

Goodbye For Now

So, my Grandfather lost his struggle last Monday night. With my Grandmother holding his hand and wishing him farewell, he became relaxed and his breathing slowed. His eyes, though shallow, gazed at my Grandma with love and yearning. He seemed excepting, yet resistant that this time was upon him...but she insisted that she would see him again and that we all knew where he was going. It was beautifully tragic, as he finally let go. When his gasps for air slowed to a halt, the room was left silent for a blink of a moment, before everyone burst into sobs.

He was a miraculous man, and will always be remembered as Mr. Go-To. It's heartbreaking to think that he'll never accompany us on our treks to Thailand, but I'm glad we have those memories to hold onto. I had a dream night before last, and he was laughing and being mischievous as always. I miss you Grandpa...rest in peace!

William Ernest DeWitt

(Age 81)

On March 29th, surrounded by his family, Bill went home to be with the Lord, after suffering a stroke while in California about six weeks earlier. He is survived by his wife of 61 years Lucile (Downey); four children Tim (Chusri) DeWitt, Ben (Colleen) DeWitt, Jan (Tom) Hodl, Joy (Don) Calkins; 10 grandchildren; 20 great-grandchildren and sisters Betty Curry and Sue (Vic) Pfau. He was preceded in death by his brothers Bob and Tom. Bill was born in Daisy, Washington July 29, 1928 to Earnest andHazel DeWitt. He graduated from Columbia High School in Hunters,Washington. In 1952 he hired out on Northern Pacific Railroad as afireman and retired as an engineer after 38 years from BurlingtonNorthern Railroad. Bill and Lucile spent the next 20 winters as "Snowbirds", returning home each spring to their same south hill home of 52 years. He is fondly remembered to all as a master mechanic, willing to help any and all wherever he went. His big heart was filled with love for his family and many friends. We are richly blessed to have had him in our life and he will be greatly missed. To continue celebrating the memory of his life, please join us on Tuesday, April 6th at 11:00 A.M. at Glad Tidings Assembly of God, 4224 E. 4th Avenue.

My father, Tim DeWitt, William's oldest son, was stationed in Germany when we were children. Grandpa was sure to visit, and even at the tender age of four, I was keen enough to know that Grandpa coming to see us meant I was going to get ice cream. :)

People frown in disgust when I state that one of my favorite meals is tuna gravy on waffles...but I stand by it proudly!

He came with us on every trip back to Thailand...where my mother's side of the family is...and although her family is quite large, Grandpa's family over there extends far beyond our blood ties. He took his early morning strolls through the marketplace as always, and yet the language barrier never posed a problem with his astute ability to make friends and comrades through his travels.

Grandpa, you're a capable, honest, amazing man, who I hold great respect for. I will forever cherish you're mischievous nature and 'cat-got-the-canary' grin dearly. I love you Grandpa, and will miss you greatly!

Truly~ Amanda (Mandy) DeWitt

Slackers

I find it absolutely astounding when I come across a coworker who doesn't want to 'work.' It's a job, yeah hi, that's why they pay us! This isn't rocket science over here. And, it's one thing when they're young...I was young once...at nineteen my motto was, "What are they gonna do, FIRE me?!?" So yeah, I understand when you're young, with zero responsibilities and no work ethic, not caring is easy. But when you're older than me, by say, a decade or two, that's when I get full-on aggravated! Because, if by now you still don't pride yourself in a job well done and hard work, then you never will...which adds up to you being an absolute waste of my time. When their only concern about their job is how their work hours are going to interfere with their time on the lake. How do people never manage to grow up?

Grandpa?

So...my grandfather had a stroke two weeks ago...while he was on his annual 'run-away-from-winter' road trip to California. He was in the ICU for some time and one of my aunts flew down to be with my grandmother. I called my grandmother a few days after the incident, and she told me she was fine, and if this is 'God's will' then so be it. I was taken aback by her calm demeanor...thinking it was strangely brave, in a sense. I talked to my father, who seemed more concerned when the possible inconvenience of maybe having to take time off and fly down to California and drive back their RV. He acted completely unaffected by the fact that his father may or may not ever mentally bounce back from this tragedy.

Grandpa was flown back to Spokane four days ago...and I was absolutely terrified to go visit him. I had questioned about his condition and had pretty much come to the understanding that his stroke was sever and left him partially paralyzed on his right side, he could squeeze hands, couldn't quite swallow, but had been taken off the respirator and was no longer being sedated and he was in a wheel chair to help with his muscle tone. I understood that grandpa is not 'grandpa'...at least not yet. Drew, who also had talked to my father and mother about grandpa, had drawn a completely different conclusion about grandpa's health. He expected to walk into a room where grandpa was wheeling around in a wheel chair...tired...with slightly restricted movement. My understanding was accurate.

I was only able to stay in the room for a minute...maybe two, if time stopped the way my heart did. He saw me, tried to say something, but was so exhausted he couldn't keep his eyes open. I wanted to be strong, and tell him I loved him and that he was the strongest man I've known in my life and that I admired him for so many thing and that if anyone has the strength to get through this, it was him...but all I managed was the part that I loved him, before my emotions ruled out anything other than tears and sobs.

I talked to my mother later that day, who laughed about how grandma has to pull him up in the wheel chair and scream at him to keep him awake...I suppose the humor was lost on me.

To sum up...I understand that this kind of shit happens in life and it's horrible and tragic and sad and heartbreaking...but I can't wrap my mind around how insensitive my family is acting and the way they're treating this situation...like it is what it is and really no big thing....but it's grandpa...we lost grandpa...and his return is impending, and is in no way a guarantee. Why is that 'okay' for everyone?!? Are they devoid of any amount of sentiment at all?

I miss you grandpa, and I hope and pray that you will have the strength and grace to rise through this...and I love you very much!

Grandpa and I at the 09 family reunion at Loon Lake.

Tasteless Marketing!

So, I get this little Victoria Secret pamphlet in the mail telling of their wild kingdom sale going on, with animal print on everything! I love leopard print, and as they so typically do, the brochure comes with a panty free-be coupon and ten dollars off a bra. I'm pretty broke that day, but I'm not gonna pass up these sexy little undies that all the models are rockin! And of course, I can't just go in and not buy anything, so I'll need to get the matching bra...it's not rocket science to figure out their ploy! But I'm gonna bite, needless to say.

I get there and am greeted and asked if I need assistance finding anything. I whip out my coupon (heart-shaped with a close-up groin shot of the model in the goods). The girl points to the table right in front of us, and I say that I do indeed wish to purchase a matching bra. With her hand on the table of lacy unmentionables, she asks my size..."extra small..."...DUH! Look at me man! She looks at me queerly, then realizes I'm talking about the tiny thong goodies on the table..."Oh, I mean bra size...these are one-size-fits-all." Wait, hold the phone!! An empire built upon scantily clad skinny bitches is offering up a one-size-fits-all garment to its' double zero clientele?!? REALLY?

Their ad did everything they wanted it to do...it got me in the store! It had me convinced that I should buy, yet another bra, which I honestly don't need, for 50 (ish) dollars...so long as I get this little piece of fabric that fits into my crotch nice and snug for free! Yup, hook-line-&-sinker I went for it, as many do...but, I can proudly say that I walked out of that store with no lacy anything...this little mouse doesn't want the cheese in your maze, Victoria!!

My Pride

Another year's come to an end...and boy, has it been quite the year!

I'm such a simple person and can appreciate all the little things...I like staying in, I like reading or watching re-runs, I like the easiness of be absolutely boring. But, for the first time, my stagnant lifestyle betrayed me. It turned upside down and dumped me out into a whole slew of possibilities...possibilities that have always been there, but required more effort than my lazy-self cared to put forth in the past.

I can talk reason and logic until I'm blue in the face, but those words need action to advocate change. I learned that I, like most animals, have a fight or flight instinct...and that when I'm backed into a corner, I can very well defend myself, my integrity, and my worth. I know it sounds childish in a sense, but I'm proud of myself. I am damn proud! Passive I no longer wish to be...this is my life, and it's my responsibility to make the most of every moment of it.

I look forward to the new year...to new challenges...to new opportunities...to new goals...I look forward to life.

Goodbye 2009!
You frightened me into being BOLD!

Date night with my sweetheart overlooking the Spokane River.
The old Legends Of Fire gang...last day.

Me and Hilda, posing before the destroy our bar.
Misery loves company.
My girls!
Drinking away the hurt.My backyard before.
My backyard after.

Plantin me a garden!

Grow grow grow!

I grew this bad boy!

Got me a shiny new car.
Celebrating spring/summer.
Tuesday drinkies.
At Loon Lake for the fam reunion.
Grandpa and my Mama.
The start of a new friendship.
Off to the Fray concert.
I love them!
Ma and Mike, first time they visited Drew since he moved 10 years ago.
Our family.
Riverfront flowers.
Manito Park.
Quite a sight.
He's a total mama's boy. :]
Shots on the last day of our 'stay-cation.'Kisses from my new bestie!
Going to see Colbie Colliet.
Beautiful ladies.
My friends...few, but exceptional.
Colbie.
26 years young.

Taking a chance.Halloween punkins.

Late night Manito fun.Some of the boringness I love so much.

Perfection.Rich, one of my dear friends!

I live and breathe for that smile of his.Best Friends, old and new.

Epic. Biggest fan right here.
Hanzel und Gretal.Our beautiful tree.

Good for me...finally.In action with the new job! New Year's Eve opening night!!

Bringing in the new year, first year I didn't dote on the drunks.Smile...

Bring it on, twenty ten!New Year's shots with my love.

To another year of magical excellence.Focused and intense...cuz that's how we do.
<3 :] <3