A Little Adventure.

So, third time's a charm! Say 'hello' to a floor housekeeping supervisor for the casino's new hotel! :)

Got a call yesterday from human resources at Quest to set up an appointment for them to to offer me the job! After confirming the wage, I went ahead and accepted it over the phone, and I'll go in tomorrow to find out my schedule and whatnot.

After I got that call, I was simply busting at the seams! For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm calling the shots in my life...MY life.

Some of my current supervisors gave me hugs and congratulations...and some said absolutely nothing to me about it, but said everything to my co-workers. So much for keeping it on the down low. For the same reason I told very few that I was trying desperately to get a job out of food and beverage, (the possibility of failure), is the same reason I didn't want to tell everyone my good news.

I'm ready...I'm nervous as hell...but I'm ready.

My Heart

So life has been really wonderful lately...sans the wisdom teeth extraction that occurred two days ago, which, I must say, worst experience ever!! I've still got a little chipmunk-cheekiness going on, but other than that and the constant reminder of thread in my mouth and the inability to open my mouth wide enough to fit a gum ball and of course the problem that would pursue the realization that my jaw is too weak to chew a gum ball...I'm doing alright.

Anyhow...I'm getting really excited for the holiday season! I know I wasn't at all last year, what with getting demoted and being broke for months on end and my car breaking down and yada yada yada...I just couldn't get into the holiday spirit. This year's going to be different, I assure you. I can't wait to get our tree and decorate it in every obnoxious manner we know and purchase gifts we're dying for the other to open right away but force ourselves to wait until Christmas morning. I'm excited...life doesn't scare me anymore. Last year, everything was wrong...and although this year hasn't been perfect by any means, I've learned that it doesn't need to be...as long as I'm fighting for my happiness, I think I'll be just fine...better than fine even.

I'm waiting on a ring...I know I've been waiting on this ring for years now, and I look back and find it absolutely incredible that Drew and I aren't married yet...but I know he's ready now...and more than that, everything seems in place for us to do our fade out, riding horse back into the sunset bit. Financially, I think we're both in a good place, and I think that's been something that's been weighing on him a lot more than me. But I know it's coming...the proposal...I just want it, so then I can go ahead and get all pretentious and start saying things like, "My fiance this," and "My fiance that." And don't let all this joking fool you...I'm so in love it's ridiculous...to come home to my best friend, to know that he's got my back in any and all situations, that we can do anything or nothing at all and it'll still be the best time...I found my heart! <3

I wanna branch out more into my whole 'friend' world and how that puzzle piece has been found, but it's dinner time, so I gotta be on my way...PEACE!

False Hope

I didn't get it, haha! It was a call for another interview for a different position I had applied for...geez! But I can say this interview went much better than the first, and that's kinda the goal...is to get so good at these interviews that I one day get offered a new job! Eh, whatever. I'm not too concerned about it...some days I am, some days I'm not...depends on who's pissin me off on which days.

In this interview, they asked me if I had any prior supervising experience, to which I said "No. But I work with supervisors all the time, and I'm well aware of the attributes I consider to be positive traits in a supervisor, compared to the people who simply hinder the situation." Alright, I didn't use those words exactly, because I'm not the quickest thinker...that's why I write, because I can gather my thoughts more properly and not sound like a damn fool. But anyhow, that was the jist of it. They even asked me what I considered "ethics" to be...then started laughing, 'We didn't write these questions! Didn't think it was gonna get that deep!' So the mood was light, and the interviewers were nice.

The position is for Guest Service Supervisor...which, when broken down, means: Valet and Doorman supervisor! I had no idea, and they asked me if I wanted to continue with the interview, and I said, "Well I have no experience with the inner workings of valet...if that's a concern," to which they replied, "We're looking for someone who's capable of the job." So I stayed...and they'll let me know by Monday.

Hey, I'm trying! :) And for the time being, I'm pretty damn happy...so, I'm good!

Hopefully Unsure.

The interview was odd...very impersonal, as they asked a few questions about how I would motivate my fellow team members and what responsibilities I believed were associated with being a concierge. Other than my nerves, which always takes front row for these kind of events, I breezed through the interview, telling them I would use positive reinforcement to motivate my employee's and that a concierge is like a personal guide of all the excitement Spokane has to offer. It took fifteen minutes for me to whiz through their questions with prompt, definitive answers. But, they were doing mass interviews, and, honestly, really didn't show much interest in me, or the possibility of me taking any of these positions.

We were supposed to hear back about our interviews by November 1st...and November 1st came and went with no word...so alas, I went with the "if they don't want me I don't want them" attitude, and figured, at least I tried...at least I finally put myself out there...and if they couldn't see the greatness that sat before them, they're blind. Hurt, a little, naturally. Then, while I'm at work tonight of course, I get a phone call from human resources...simply asking me to return the call. Now, the last time I got rejected, I got a letter...so I doubt I'd be all that inaccurate to be so brash as to assume I'm probably going to get an offer.

BUT, I really don't know...and I hate counting my eggs before they hatch, the roller coaster of getting hopes up and letting hopes down makes me sick. I hope they offer me the supervising position...I hope I can be part of the solution instead of the problem. I hope to have the chance to be more and offer more and get more. As a supervisor, I'd get paid health care for my dependents, which I have none of yet...but it sure doesn't hurt any! I really hope...

Me, all cleaned up for my little interview.

...knock knock knock...

I have a job interview today. Boy, I'm nervous! I wouldn't think I should be, I'm a very strong worker and am simply looking for a new opportunity, perhaps one with more growth potential. I applied for a few different jobs, and the one I'm interviewing for today is a supervisor position in the hotel for the front desk.

I know I'm capable of anything I put my heart and mind to...but a big part of me wants to be a bartender still...to feel that mad rush when you're four deep and ten wide...the satisfaction of blistering sore feet after a hard night...that Godly feeling you get behind the bar, because everybody loves their bartender. I'm quite honestly terrified that this supervising job might be a really boring, lack-luster kind of choice...but one that will be notable on a resume. To make matters worse, the whole casino's bidding on these jobs, and I'm freaking out some.

I haven't had an interview since 05...ha! Drew wanted to practice with me last night, but I had a Physics test to study for and Astronomy homework to finish. To add to my petrified nerves and my test and homework, I slept pretty awful and kept dreaming about Physics and how it would determine the whole outcome of the interview! Man oh man...I need to chill! I've only told a few people about the interview, don't wanna psyche myself out even more so everyone asks me how it went. Why am I so nervous?! 'I'm so clearly awesome!' Well...lets do this! :)

Blue October-Approaching Normal-Review by Me for iTunes.

I have yet to find an artist that paints a clearer picture of turmoil, anguish, and self-loathing to self-destruction to self-reflection to self-worth more scarringly vivid than Blue October's Justin...not that that's necessarily what I'm searching for in a musical artist, but the beauty and brilliance backing up his lyrics has the power to capture a person's heart...not matter the temperament...this album covers the bases.

Been Down offers the ache of knowing life’s ability to be magnificent, yet admitting that right now it’s just not; Jump Rope beautifully captures a child-like optimistic splendor, both in melody and lyrics; while Weight of the World and The End prove that the real world is out there lurking, and sometimes it’s ugly and hard and unfair...and that we’re human, and sometimes we sink to depths that we aren’t proud of.

Over-all, I think this album digs out all the raw emotions that we think make us a little psycho...which are the emotions that Justin seems to think are bridging his gap from crazy to normal. Either way, crazy or not, as long as I feel I’m in-tune with his lyrics, I feel I’m in good company.

Alcohol And I

Alcohol seems to have different affects on people...some become more open and honest and the conversation becomes so deep you could swim in them for hours...whereas others become loud and obnoxious and in desperate need of everyone to know their short-sided thoughts. I, honestly, don't feel as if I'm the ladder...not to say that I find myself an insanely intriguing person, but I think I can hold a relatively interesting conversation for the most part. Drinking, to me, isn't an escape, but an embracing of myself and the world around me. And although I feel a lot of disdain for the world at times, its beauty is never lost on me. I don't typically drink much either...one or two...three if I'm feeling really feisty. Others drink to elude themselves from the world...they detach their mind and let it wander away. I like my mind...and it worries me when it's away. I don't care to be around people who drink themselves into a mindless stupor...especially if they're people I care about when they're sober. It makes me feel like that's what we amount to...a worthless conversation about how so-n-so looks like a cocker spaniel and should die...pretty much a forgettable memory. It's petty and boring and I don't wish for my life to be made up of numerous forgettable moments...I want a worthwhile life, and memories that correspond with it. I know life has it's pitfalls and hardships...I know that sometimes escaping is the only option that holds to reason...but if it's always the best and only option, then something's askew, something's not okay...and if it's a life-time with me that you wish to escape, then run! Stop drinking and just run...because I don't want to spend any of my time with someone who drinks to forget it.

Through Trials Come Accomplishments

Through the pain, disdain, and distorted shame
Came a wonderful piece of heaven, attained
A permanent smile, inside of this heart
A reckless bit of perfection to initiate the start
Of a happily ever after, riding off into the sunset
Never to forget, the day that we first met...
Bubble gum and flirting
Licking lips and skirting
The truth, the inevitable
Brought distraught so unforgettable
Must acknowledge it, accept it
Knowing if we don't, we'd regret it
Love is more than just a hunch
So I let this heart call the shot for once

Terms and Conditions

Angry; I am, at a world selfish with nonsense
Hungry; I am, for an eye to one day catch a glimpse

Invisible to the souls that never cease to surround me
Inevitably distraught in a life of constant haunting

Lately more confused than one cares to admit
Lately more disgusted and fed up with this shit

Perfection is never an aim of mine
But ideology I demand from my frame of mind

Home is where my heart lives and I hate leaving it there
But the world attacked it so rashly, so my sleeve it no longer will bear

Honesty is my motto, and I hold it strong
Push around the truth, lies can seep into your dawn

Radiant are the sunsets, transcendent are the rises
Moments can last for longer, hold a smile hard, they're priceless

Don't bother wasting my time with pretending
That shit never leads to a happy lil ending

Cherish

I'm happy.

I know it's been a while since I've said it...but life's good. Work's been...well, the same...but I'm rolling with the punches and doing my best to not bring it home with me. I quit gambling...because in all honesty...I couldn't control it. I bought myself a new car...and she's one sexy little number! I started a garden...yup! It's darling, with berries, spinach, squash, and gross onions! :) I refied my mortgage, which helped a load! And I just completed the silly Fafsa, and will hopefully be returning to school to finally complete my AA!

I'm happy!

Twisted

I don't care how your story spins
As you cast away truth and lies to the wind

All the lost souls feast on your tales
Somewhat of a leader, and all they shall hale

But this facade, this fakeness, for which they hold you so high
Is known to you and I both, as lies in disguise

Have you forgotten that none of it's true
Or is the truth itself, to you just askew?

"When a woman gives birth to a crack baby, you do not buy her a puppy!"

Work's been just dreadful these days...I find it difficult to work with people filled to the brim with incompetence. Why would you take two men, who both ran businesses into the ground...and put them in charge of a multi-million dollar a week casino? "When a woman gives birth to a crack baby, you do not buy her a puppy!" I find it hard to so much as tolerate these people...so respecting them is completely out of the question. And they have their own little moronic minion staff...who are incapable of actually supervising, delegating, or assessing any kind of simple situation whatsoever. What good are you when you're incapable of doing your 'job'...at least from a business perspective? And this is the hierarchy that's supposedly in charge of me, and all I'm thinking is, "My babysitters are just idiots...where'd mom n dad find these winners?"

I think they're trying to fire me...or 'weed me out' so to speak...which is both amusing and frustrating. Frustrating, because this is my job...my livelyhood...and that really shouldn't be such a joke. Amusing, because these people are just incouragble, and it's so blatantly obvious that they're not, in any way, qualified for the positions they have...or perhaps, that their positions aren't essential to begin with.

I'm bitter about all of this...I've been promised many things...so now I'm just hoping for a little followthrough.

Fussy

I feel like lately, I've been trapped in this pit of despair...trying to climb out, just dying to climb out, and the moment it seems as though I might possibly be able to over-come whatever obstacle it was that landed me in the pit to begin with, some other completely unrelated debacle is hurled at me, sending me right back to the bottom. I'm tired, and worn down...sitting at the bottom of an empty, desperate hole...trying to remember what life was like before this darkness became so constant...so blindingly cold.
I want someone to blame for everything that's gone wrong...but, no matter my spite, I know there really isn't anyone to hold accountable for these misfortunes that have overthrown my life. Then I want to play my 'unfair' card...but I can't, because I know that this is all too puny of an occasion to play such a wild card.
I don't like crying or pouting or playing pity me, but I feel so beaten at times. I think I'll take a nap, think that'll make me feel better.

Possibilities...

Think I'm going to go back to school...the new club isn't working out for me. It's not even the kind of atmosphere I'd like unless I'm wasted...and I think that'd be a conflict of interest, trying to drink and work. Don't know exactly what I'll do, as far as school goes, but I gotta do somethin...

Kindness n Honesty n Shit.

Life is a path, by which is determined by the decisions you make when opportunities are presented or possibilities seem possible so you take that leap of blind faith or when you're royally fucked over, once again and have to crawl your way out of a pit of despair. Now, I'm not saying I end up in this pit a great deal...but I do seem to find myself there more often than one would like...if one were to like it at all. Someone told me the other day that I'm their friend...and that they didn't have many they could say that of...that I was kind from the start, and never faltered. It's true, I guess. I am kind...I'm so damn kind, that it takes me to the bank! And if not...I almost feel like it's rotting my soul to be so kind. It's like a sickness, almost. Granted, being kind and shit has found me among a handful of truly dear friends...but, it seems so overshadowed by the backstabbing and the lies and the hatred and the hurt and the pain and the bitter bitter realization that I, little Miss Kind, allowed someone in who was morally corrupted...AGAIN. I see pictures...in dust-covered picture frames...in scrapbooks...in the blacked-out parts of my mind...and these people, whether they knew it or not...were given this wonderful opportunity to be friends always with an amazingly great person (hi, ME!) and they chose to blow it instead. And they always, always lied about it...like, somehow, I was to blame for all the wrong that went...like, I played the betraying part...but I don't, it was always them who played the politics game and madly spun the truth. It's almost as if they know how hard it is for me to deal with life when people think I'm a scam. I'm not, nor have I been, practically ever, a person who lies about who I am and what I know. Granted, when I was young, like 14 and under, I lied a lot, (you know, 'yes of course I did my homework,' or 'I don't know who let the kittens into the house.')...and maybe from the ages of 14 to 18, I lied some ('I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize the speed limit changed from 70 to 60,' or 'I'll call you back...or later...or sometime within the foreseeable future...perhaps before we're gray and old and our bones begin to creek.)...but honestly, honesty is something I consider a great liberator...a fraud is something I never wish to be, and the worst feeling in the world is getting caught in a lie, I think. I don't lie anymore...Do you know why I pulled you over?...if I was speeding, "I bet it's cause I was going too fast!" or if it's four in the morning and their looking for some D.U.I.'s and pulled me and my cranky ass over, Do you know why I stopped you?, "I sure don't! Do you know why??' and I say it mean, too, and I glare...so there's no mistaking in my tone that I feel they are wasting MY time. Why lie?? What good does it do? Why would anyone want to live their life in their own twisted manipulations? It's too much work, being a liar, I think...maybe I'm just too damn lazy to lie.

Impulse...

This Saturday's the big unveiling of the casino's newest remodeled addition, Club Impulse. I'm nervous...this whole situation's been a nightmare, not knowing if I'd be able to pay my mortgage and all the other bills rolling in. Working all over the casino, every day wearing a different uniform...having some of my favorite customers look at me with such sympathy, it's embarrassing. And it wasn't until three days ago, that I knew for sure that I was even going to be part of the staff in there! It's been nerve racking...and one didn't make the cut, who should have...and one made it, who really shouldn't have. I feel like the management's being very trite and belittling and just, unbelievably arrogant. It's like second grade; well you didn't give me a Valentine, so you can't come to my birthday party!

Impulse is only going to be open four days a week, unless it manages to prove itself worthy of being open more often. I'm hoping it does, but I almost feel as if it's being set up to flop on it's ass...it's going to be non-smoking (the old bar, Legends, wasn't), open 7-2, with a dress code, and a cover charge. Please...how ya gonna say 'you can't wear jeans!' when the casino is located in Airway Heights, where the residents live off well-fare and don't have teeth!? And a cover charge??!? Any gambler would first and foremost put that five or ten dollars on a wish and a dream, roll the dice, spin the wheel...boom, you're broke!

On a bright note, the new outfits are pretty awesome...nothing like the clown outfits the rest of the casino crew is dressed in. They actually purchased our new digs at Nordstroms...which isn't where I do my shopping, but at least it's real clothes. It's functional too...no more ripping seams when I reach too high...like The Hulk, only weakish and small. :)

I'm really trying to be optimistic about this whole thing, but...I've seen how this new management operates...and it's not okay. I guess time will tell.

Ruin Not

I tried...I really did. I put in a respectable amount of effort, with a decent amount of optimism...and I really did try, truly. However, after working a total of thirteen hours as a floor server...I'm not surprised when I tell you, it wasn't my cup of tea. People kept telling me that I would have a new found respect for the girls who work this position...nope, sure didn't.

I'm incredibly sad for them, because I just can't justify it as a true job, you're simply the go-between, allowing people to become more lazy and glutenous, and after drinking seven Pepsi's and not tipping you for a single one (why would they, the soda's free), want you to watch their machine while they use the restroom, as if it's pretty much your fault they need to pee anyways...you're an enabler of everything that is wrong with the world...and these poor girls are doing this as a profession. I'd rather sell my body, at least I have pride in my body...I'd probably lose respect for myself, but I'll tell you what, I had zero respect for myself while donning the royal blue shirt (not my color by the way), walking through the same rows of people, offering them beverages for eight hours.

It's just not a job...scrubbing toliets, that's a job...garbage-picker-upper-guy, that's a job...there's a need, and you're providing the necessesities to fulfill that need...handing people a soda, which is offered to them at their despense less than four feet away from them...that's rediculious...it's poppy-cock. Get off your fat, lazy ass and get it yourself!!! Holy hell.

Yeah, I refuse to do it again...it's not okay that they put me there.

The last week or so has proven to be quite the testament to Drew's and my relationship. His working day shift put a wrench into our typical schedule of dinner at two a.m. and off to bed around four. I've been staying out later with friends, (mostly the girls from my bar who have also be out-casted since our bar closed), because I didn't feel like hittin the hay at eleven at night.

And to be completely honest, I was in a really miserable place, working as a beverage server really killed me on the inside...and he didn't understand. I didn't wanna go home because I didn't wanna complain...espesially to someone who thought I was just being overly cynical. I was trying to blow off steam, so it wouldn't be pent up inside when I got home...but instead, I drank myself to the brink of an emotional breakdown, and then I'd head home, and break down there. He was beside himself...not knowing how to take this behavior at all...trying to show support by offering perspective...which, when you're as broken as I was, isn't something you welcome.

Yeah, the last week's been hard...but luckily, I have some supervisors who offered me positions in the restaurant and in the non-smoking lounge. I'm so grateful. I just need these next few weeks to hurry by...and I really hope the night club is as good or exceeds all expectations, because the last few months have been ruining me. I don't want to be ruined.



Just some of the wonderful staff that I worked with in my bar.

Worry Sick

Today's Drew's first day working his new position as a Sous Chef for the new sports bar The Q kitchen. He and I have worked together for three years...most of which we've been dating. We live together, we work together, sometimes we even drive there together...now, not only is he going to be in a whole different area of the casino, but he'll be working day shift instead of swing.

This is huge to me! He doesn't think it's that big of a thing...that he'll be on swing shift soon enough...and my job will experience drastic changes as well, so him being gone won't seem so immense.

The bar I've worked in for four years is shutting down in less than a week for a month-long over haul and face-lift to be a pretty new dance club. For that month, I'll be working as a beverage server on the floor...which, honestly, is the biggest slap in the face to a hard working, dedicated, more than efficient server...I so damn awesome (excuse the toot of my horn but it's rather necessary, because this whole situation has made me question my excellence) and all my customers are in shock that I wasn't excepted into the expansion and The Q sports lounge to work until my bar finishes it's ass lift.

It's like that episode of Family Guy, when Peter creates his own town after a nuclear situation or the millieum downfall, and he has people draw jobs from a hat, so a doctor's expertise is overlooked because he drew the occupation of being the Village Idiot.

Now, I'm no fool, I know I'm no doctor...but I'm a very capable person, who's been a server for nearly nine years (ewe, that just made me sick)...I can multitask and time out my food and spin a tray on my finger all the while, (I should be more than some lousy server anyways!) and I'm standing here, offering up the goods I know the casino is looking for...and they pick the girls who've never had any serving experience before, who are considered to be easily trainable...and I'm put out to 'pasture' (yup, that terms actually be thrown around) for a month (hopefully only a month, but word is we might have to re-interview just to get back into the dance club, and as I'm sure you can tell by the tone of this, my first interview to work in the expansion didn't go so hot)...to serve a soda...soda...would you like a soda? It's like I'm an airline attendant, without the glamor of traveling from one exotic local to another...I'll just hop on a plane, serve drinks for eight hours, then hop off the plane right where I got on.

WOW...this wasn't my intention, oops. I meant to be going off about Drew working away from me...and me being a tiny bit nerves about that...that maybe we'll grow apart and unfamiliar with each other...and that no matter my insecurities, I'm not going to tell him so, because he's so thrilled to be given this opportunity that he so rightfully deserves, he's earned this ten-fold...and who the hell am I to rain on that with my ever-constant worry.

Sorry, this was all wrong!

Heart Full Of Smiles

Hold my heart, sturdy does it
Bring me smiles, oh I love it

Your eyes light up like none I've seen
Use all my might to be your dream

Never met a fool as sincere with such sense
Maybe the fools are the ones with the walls instead

You're the silly culprit for this smile on my face
This love is the highest reason for every breath that I take

Give me butterflies, giddy does it
Show me every side, honesty, love it!

January 13, 09
Dedicated to him...for this little heart full of smiles.