I Think I’ve Seen This Film Before

 The days are getting longer, and with those added minutes of light, our optimism grows.

I’m excited for Spring Break and Summer Vacation, to get to spend time with the kids. My work pretty much keeps me from them all weekend, so I see them primarily after school on weekdays…and they’re getting to the point that they’re aware of the Friday night giddiness of knowing their week is behind them and the Sunday slump of knowing their week’s now ahead of them. I wanna be part of the excitement!

For Christmas, I gave everyone dates with me. For Tim, an escape room date with a Ramen dinner, which Drew ended up subbing in for me. For Levi, a Pinot’s Pallet painting date and a sushi dinner. And Vince’s is going to be during Spring Break, a Polka Dot pottery painting date and he wants to go to Market Street Pizza for dinner. I’m excited for that! For Drew, a date to John Mulaney’s comedy show in LA! I’m super pumped about that! We’re gonna fly there and back first class and hopefully hit Universal Studios Harry Potter World!

We also scheduled our trip to New York to visit Ma and Papa this summer, no first class for that though. Ha. And then I’m planning a trip to an all inclusive resort in Mexico for a friends wedding summer of ‘25. So much to look forward to!

Drew’s working on his sobriety. He’s been attending AA meetings and asked his friend and former trainer Benny to be his sponsor. He said there’s an aura he feels sitting in a room with a bunch of people who aren’t perfect but are still choosing to make good decisions, who are there because they want to be and know that it’s more of a need than a want. That the shame that he typically feels in association with being an addict isn’t as forefront when he’s among peers who know these shameful moments can now be lessons to learn from and not just guilt and embarrassment that haunt them from the inside. I’m proud of him, of course, but if I’m being completely honest…it’s all a little triggering. I’ve been to this horse and pony show before…I’ve seen the ending and I don’t like it. Do I get my hopes up, for something I have little to no control over…do I hope this time is different, because success is possible with the attempt…do I invest my hope and longing into this, again? Because if he fails…if he relapses…part of me grows bitter. Bitter with broken promises…bitter with the selfishness this attempt required…bitter with the fear that this addiction is bigger than he is, stronger than he is, and one day will just take him from me, as quick and unwavering as a lost hand in Blackjack. He said “You deserve better.” He’s never said that before, it’s usually just a voice in my head that assures me that. He’s never been so adamant about his willingness to be and stay sober before. He’s never talked about sobriety being a forever necessity before or how it takes a village mentality before. Maybe this isn’t the same horse and pony show I caught time and time again…maybe this one’s different…maybe this one attempt will be the last, because it’s the successful one. Maybe every call I make to him from work on my breaks on Friday and Saturday and Sunday and Monday…maybe those calls will be lucid and sober calls, unproblematic calls, typical and average calls that don’t send me into a tailspin of worry and doubt kind of calls. Awe, dare to dream…dare to hope…dare to stand by his side as he again tries to face this demon.

My friend Nikole is going through it…honestly, she’s never not. That poor girl is always battling something…from her ex, to her oldest daughter…she never gets a break. She recently took an ancestry test and learned she’s predisposed to breast and ovarian cancer. The doctor she used to work for rushed to her aid and their team did a full mastectomy on her on Tuesday. She just got her paths yesterday and the mass they found was benign, but she did have precancerous cells. Good news overall! So now she won’t have to deal with radiation or chemo and just get straight into the reconstruction of her breasts…which will be a year long process. Soon she’ll need a full hysterectomy too, but she made it sound like that’s a while down the road. She said essentially the ancestry test saved her life, and might do the same for her mom and grandma! And thankfully, preventative surgeries are fully covered by her insurance! 

“Is there medication that you may need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of?”

Bear’s been off at his board and training for almost two weeks. We decided to invest in him instead of sending him off, honestly just the thought of not keeping him wrenched me inside. And the trauma from his accident ruined me for weeks. But I’m optimistic and our trainer is wonderful, sending us videos of Bears progression…and last night was Halloween, so they were going to work on his reaction with the door and greetings.

I’m struggling at work, and life in general, really. I feel so much strain and anxiety going to work, that I binge eat and can literally do nothing prior to my shifts. I try to just focus on the work and the money, but I then I get overwhelmed by the possibility of getting fired over mistakes or getting hit on by drunks for hours or drunks getting into physical alterations after I serve them, again circling around to the possibly getting fired. It’s all so wearing. Oh, and I managed to get tennis elbow in my right arm in March, which has slightly subsided in the last 7 months but hasn’t completely healed…and three weeks ago, my left arm got tennis elbow. It feels so stupid, that I can hardly hold a beer and reach it out to the end of the bar-top without feeling immense pain…and don’t get me started on how sometimes the canned beer twist offs are extra impossible and I struggle like an asshole for way too long, leaving my elbow aching. Like I’m just falling apart…and my body is failing.

Drew’s struggling with his job as well, his overall contention and disappointment leaves him feeling so strained…and this time of the year is never great anyways for him with his seasonal depression. He’s also looking into going back to rehab, because he needs a firm barrier between him and alcohol. I’m so immensely proud of him, but it’s just another thing that adds weight for me to bear, his mood shifts and anger. It’s hard to deal with…and I’m unfortunately impressionable, easily projected upon…you’re unhappy, I’m unhappy. 

All of this to say I feel like I’m unable to enjoy life, constantly making lists that never fully get checked off…feeling unaccomplished and worn. I just wanna play board games with my kids…but only after I clean the gerbil cage, clean the bathrooms, fold and put away all the laundry, do the dishes, vacuum…throw another load into the wash, and the kids come home from school and I’m ready for a nap and am generally over all of it…but I’m expected to read with Vince and coach him through his homework, get dinner prepped and cooked…there’s no energy left in me for board games or puzzles. By that point, I want to sit somewhere away from the noise and read or completely zone out. 

Why is this what life is? And what’s worse, is we’re expected to work until we’re 67…that’s 51 years before retirement…are you shitting me with these numbers?? I’ve been working for 24 years of my life…and my arms are literally flailing in the wind…and I’m not even half way done?! Fuck that.

You Blink And Twelve Years Go By

 There’s just something about taking all the baby furniture out of what once was the last nursery of your youngest child…while Taylor Swift’s Never Grow Up plays softly in the background…and you set that twelve year old, disassembled crib on the sidewalk in front of your house, as it awaits its new owners to take it home and give it renewed purpose and a fresh little babe to keep safe as they grow…there’s something so inevitable about this whole process. Today was that day, and it’s stinging just a touch.  It’s always felt like a means to an end…but I never thought what I would do once my ends didn’t require those means.

We just shuffled all the gym equipment down to the garage, repainted that room and called it Levi’s, build a loft full bed and new dresser in there, then moved all the baby furniture from Vince’s room to the garage, took apart the bunk bed in Tim and Levi’s room and moved it to Vince’s room along with Levi’s old dresser, built another loft full bed and dresser in now only Tim’s room. And as I sit here, feeling drained after working tirelessly for the past two weeks getting this shuffle executed, dried tears on my cheeks, I wonder about the day we take those loft beds apart, when those are no longer needed in those rooms, in this house, or in my personal day to day life. When the kids aren’t kids, and decisions are theirs to make, and I’m no longer on the hook financially for all their worldly possessions and food intake. What a mess I’ll be when those days arrive! 

My How The Turn Tables Have…

May 1, 2023 It’s been a few minutes. I guess so much has happened, it feels impossible to catch up and I kind of don’t want to relive the majority of it to get from where we last left off to the lovely present day. We’ll do the Sparks Note version. Went back to work, got tossed around a lot and put on 5am-1pm shifts. After a whole lot of tears and frustration, I was able to get back into my venue, Turf Club, on swing shift. Been through the wringer and through multiple layers of management. Currently, I get to work with Charstie on swing shift and she’s seriously the best person to work with (kind, considerate, level headed, mild mannered, and super efficient), so I consider myself super lucky. All the same, I’m an extreme introvert in an extroverts job, so I get emotionally exhausted and it’s not easy, feeling like they’re going to fire you for whatever mistake they can find that you make. It’s just a toxic work environment…which is a shame.

Just gonna get this out of the way, Drew and I hit some pretty serious rocks in 2020, that lasted to the end of 2021. He lost a lot of weight and liked the attention from other girls. He was drinking a lot and making poor decisions, one of which was not making me a priority…and instead putting energy into making those other girls feel special. It was a betrayal I never anticipated and honestly didn’t know how to handle. Suddenly feeling like a stranger in your own life, like your whole reality never even was…talk about hitting rock bottom. He became sober and over the course of 2021 started reaffirming himself to me and making us his main priority. It sucks that that is part of our story, but I feel we came out of the other side stronger and better than before. We have reached a beautifully peaceful plateau, where we enjoy spending our time together and are completely open and honest with each other. It’s honestly quite strange and sad how little compassion and consideration we showed each other before. We’re planning our 10 year anniversary and I’m so excited. Three days, 2 nights in Vegas! Not gonna lie, with my gambling problem and Drew’s drinking problem, might be setting us up for a really awful few days…but I’m hoping we make good decisions, and we don’t say repeatedly, “I wish the boys were here,” because the whole thing is to have some us time. 

Speaking of the kids...they're all doing fantastic. They're 12, 10, and 6...6th grade, 4th grade, and kindergarten. Tim started middle school this year, which was a big deal. He tested into the highly capable program at his school. He and his best friend Caden have seemed to have gone their separate ways this year, which is such a bummer but I’m being more emotional about it than Tim, he’s all ‘whatever.’ Levi’s always excelling and is a friend to everyone. He and Vincent both brought home student of the month awards right off the bat this year. Vincent Vincent Vincent…that kid, I swear! We were petrified for him to start kindergarten, seeing as he grew up in an environment where he felt like he was always trying to catch up and fell short of his brothers capabilities…but he integrated seemlessly. His teacher even says he helps pick up after other kids… “Who?!? Our kid’s name is V I N C E N T…” but she insists he’s such a helper and is quiet and a diligent little worker who he swindles printer paper out of so he can draw. I want to hold onto these years forever…before real world issues creep in and try to sink our ship. I’ve seen it, it starts so little, then before you know it, you’re just begging them not to get arrested or take pictures of themselves with alcohol when they’re only 16. The real world scares me…I want to keep them in my bubble, I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job thus far…what’s 6-10 more years?

Real Life Called

So, after being closed for about 6 weeks, the casino is tired of collecting dust. One of their competitors, the CDA casino in Idaho, reopened on the 1st...which gets the rivalry juices flowing, I guess. Of course Idaho’s stay home order ended April 30th, so they’re within their state’s rules. Granted, our casinos don’t have to follow the government since they’re on sovereign land, thus leading ours to jump back into the game with our stay home order being extended until the end of this month. Cool. I wasn’t expecting to get called back, being part time...but they’re going by seniority, so that bit me in the ass. I’d rather stay home/stay safe and continue collecting unemployment, but whatever. They scheduled me a bunch of off days, that don’t work for our childcare, especially since there’s no more school for the rest of the school year. And we have a dog we need to let out throughout the day. *insert irritated eye roll here* I also won’t be in my venue, so I truly feel like they should have called those more eager to work in their venues on their scheduled days. I’ve been upset since we found out, which was on the 1st.

Isolation

April 26th, 2020
Life’s kinda crazy these days. Crazy like a sci-fi type movie; killer virus runs a muck through humanity on Earth, attacking people from the inside out and leaving quite a large amount of death in its’ wake. It’s called Corona Virus or Covid-19 and essentially attacks the lungs of people, having better odds of terminating that person if they’re older or have a predisposed condition like asthma or diabetes...but it’s also perfectly capable of killing completely healthy and young people...so that’s fun. And I say that completely sarcastically, with complete awareness that it’s not a joke and people are losing their lives and loved ones to this.
So to combat this virus, which is highly contagious and supposedly easily transferable, most states are on lock-down with ‘stay at home’ orders. We, Washington, have had this in place since March 15th and our kids haven’t had school since March 11th. It’s been announced they won’t be returning for the remainder of the school year. I haven’t worked since March 15th, got a call a few weeks ago about being laid off, and am now unemployed, like so many others. The casino’s shut down, all recreational things (malls, restaurants, parks) are closed. Walmart is open, but I don’t go shopping. I just stay home and try to tackle small goals...like getting the kids to do their online school work, potty train Vincent, keep the house clean, sell shit on eBay. Small goals, little victories.
People are finding shit to argue about, like how this is an attack from China, since it’s considered to have originated there...politics are getting incredibly overworked through this as our economy is bound to slip with so many not working...Donald, our president, suggested people find a way to inject household disinfectants as that might possibly be the answer (which he later claimed to be a joke, after several issues arose from people having tried it), and you’d think there’s no way to spin that into anything constructive, but the anti-vaxers came out war-crying that he segwayed into the wrongfulness of and harmful ingredients in vaccines. Human-beings seem to be creatures of constant disagreement...and even though in the history books, it’s been proven that social distancing and home isolations are the only way to combat this (see Spanish flu) without a vaccine...people are so sure it infringes on their civil rights. It’s pathetic and so overly privileged to complain that sitting in the comfort and safety of your own home is a violation of your rights. Selfishness is still alive and well. Physiologist are arguing that this isolation is doing more harm than good, with its toll on the mental and emotional sides...leading to suicides and domestic violence...while ER doctors are committing suicide themselves, having been on the frontline of this war, contracting and healing from this illness, and waging on yet again, against what seems unending, begging people to do their part by staying home. There’s no winning, there’s no bright side, there’s just constant bickering.
I, personally, am holding up alright...but have breakdowns here and there. I’ve colored, done puzzles, and am reading Harry Potter with Tim (that’s one of my biggest saving graces at the moment) and we even adopted a dog! According to one of my regulars from work, who’s stopped by a couple times to chat, also named Tim, that’s one of the most popular things people are doing to cope, adopting pets. Said animal shelters are running low. I, myself, stay away from the news and social media lately, since it’s never anything good. But yeah, got us a dog, a German Shepard named Bear. He’ll be 1 on the 30th and he’s a big ol’ sweetie! He could definitely use some training, cuz he doesn’t listen, but overall, he’s a great dog. We got really lucky with him. I had a friend who I had met from my garage sales, and she messaged me asking if we’d like him because they were being stationed across the state and couldn’t find a place that they could have him. Having just potty trained Vince and knowing we were going to be home a lot, Drew and I were pretty open to the idea. He’s still a puppy, chewing up every ball we owned, he eats rocks when he’s bored, and playfully bites with his very big teeth...so maybe a little training will go a long way.
Lenny’s been in his new house, a few blocks away, planting up a storm in his back yard! He’s been fortunate to have quite a bit of time off as well, so he’s been working in his yard like crazy, planting raspberries or blueberries that taste like raspberries...he’s a little strange, my brother is. He’s now discussing going to Germany for a month, so I’m not sure if he’ll even be here for his plants.

That’s Not My Name!

Hello. My name's Amanda. I have 3 beautiful sons, a loving husband, and a mediocre job. I was supposed to get a career when I grew up...but the growing up happened and a career never fell into place. My job isn't horrible...in all honesty, it's pretty alright. Three days a week, I make drinks for customers while engaging in adult conversations. Lately though, it's been about who got fired last and who will be next. I work with people who are negative from start to finish...about customers, about coworkers, about everything in-between. It's a shame. I made a new friend at work, and I don't say that lightly. I haven't had a friend at work in years! But along comes this girl, with this Peter Griffin laugh that radiates from her with an energy to match. Jenn with TWO N's is how she introduces herself. We started having drinks after work and hanging out...and then BOOM, she quits. All because of the nonsense, the politics, who's best friends with who...and although I don't blame her, I'm sad about it.