Perspective, Followed By Optimism

I didn't get the position in Liquid...ah shucks! But Sylvia got it, and as I said before, she should have been the one to get it, so all is right with the world. I'll be up there for a few more days before the new schedule kicks into full force...and although it's been great to catch up on my bills and get the experience and the change of scenery, I really look forward to going back to my ho-hum schedule in Turf. Liquid come's with back-stabbing, two-faced drama...I'm not a child, and the only kid I like is Timmy...when I'm on the clock, I'd prefer to interact with grown adults, not children masquerading as them. I'm truly happy Sylvia got it...it made sense to me...and that was the first time in a long time I've seen the casino make the sensible decision.

Drew and I got our tree up last weekend, and are hoping to get the majority of our Christmas shopping done this coming weekend. The casino offered up some pretty hefty bonuses this year, so that and all my extra earnings from Liquid, I'm sitting on a spectacular amount for presents this year! And of course I'm drawing blanks on what to get for anyone...figures. :)

Timmy's still growing like a weed...poor kid gets crammed into clothes that don't fit all the time because we insist on getting as much use out of everything as possible. I don't think he notices his high-water pants or mid-drift baring shirts anyways...haha, I'm kidding...well, kinda. :) Whatever, Gramma dresses him in girl clothes that she buys on sale...judge me all you want, but at least I'm not putting him in pink and purple halloween shirts a week into November! I try to reason with her, but it falls on deaf ears.

Drew and I have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now...and I'll be honest, it's absolutely devastating seeing that big, fat negative sign in your face when you want more than anything for it to smile back at you and give you a huge thumbs up. A go-ahead for all our future planning...like setting a date for our wedding...or starting Timmy's little annex room. The simple peace of mind that our family is just that much closer to being complete. I haven't told many people we're trying...thank goodness, because the few I have told are constantly asking, "Oh, are you pregnant yet?!?" The first time, we just let it happen...now that I want to manipulate the timing, nothing. Drew doesn't share in my disappointment...it'll happen when it happens, blah blah. I know it's not something to feel so frustrated about, but I can't seem to hide how blue I am with each passing month.

Little Miss Downer

Well, nothing much has changed on the job-front since my last blog. Although, they did initially fire two girls, one of them managed to get her job back. It's all been a lot of drama and non-credible don't-repeat-what-I've-told-you scenarios...so I'm just doing my best to lay low in the back drop of all the chaos. I have been called out a few times, by people who used to work with me in the old bar...saying I'm a bad worker and don't belong in the high-volume bar, and this and that...I gotta say, it hurts more coming from them, but I suppose it just goes to show how deluded and petty they've become. I'm this young, little, cute thing and that seems to be the real issue. I think it's so outlandish that I won't even argue it and give it any validity at all. I have been working up there the last three weeks. Liquid is a lot busier than the Turf, and therefore, more profitable. So profitable that we hardly qualified for Timmy's state insurance. Thankfully we made it under the numbers (barely), otherwise I would have panicked over the fact that we'd get denied based on an income that wasn't confirmed to be permanent. Sylvia's got my back in all this, which means a great deal to me...but at the same time, they're only posting one line right now, so honestly, she should be the one to get it. Ugh.

Krystle was in town visiting with her family. It was so great getting to see her and Travis and their beautiful children...I miss them! I don't have any friends here that are what she is...we were roommates and great confidants. I miss that...her.

Drew and I have been toying with the idea of moving. Our neighborhood has been in a constant downward spiral since we moved in here, sadly. I love this house...and Timmy's nursery. But I can't take the drugs, the trashy neighbors who shout at every passer-by to try to solicit drugs or sex, or the awful Youth Christ Center place that has little hoodlums running through the street and throwing footballs at my car. If I get the job in Liquid, this moving thing may be a possibility. Without it, I doubt we'll be able to afford taking the hit...40 thousand is a huge loss. Double ugh.

Re-Hashing The Unbroken

Life has been good...I'd even go so far to say life has been blissfully easy. Minus a silly cough I have, (which has subsequently kept me from meeting two new babies that two of my good friends have brought into the world in the past few days,) everything has been so wonderful. It's been so lovely having all this time to spend with my sweet little baby, who's not much a of baby these days...he's growing so much, I'm in such awe of him.

Which brings me to my current conundrum: right now I work three little days a week cocktailing and have the authority to pick up extra shifts when they come about, cocktailing, serving, or bartending...but someone just got let go, and it seems her position is going to become available, bartending. I don't even know what the days or hours are, and I might be completely out of line to think I should even stand a chance to get it, considering I am not at all at the top of the seniority totem (anymore)...but nonetheless, I'm being offered these shifts for the time being. I love my job...it's simple, fun, good money...but not stable money...bartending would be a more steady income.

I know of several people who are interested in this position...and someone said to me today, "[so-n-so] will get it because he has the most bartending seniority...and then I'll get his spot, because I have the second highest..." I didn't say anything about how I have been offered the shifts in the meantime of this impending bidding war. Honestly, I don't give two shits about seniority and what's 'fair' by their standards...no one knows the hell I went through, except for the handful of others who suffered through it with me. This position, is the exact position I asked for 3 years ago...and if seniority had mattered at all then, I would have gotten it...and wouldn't have been 'displaced' and forced to fend for myself through Woodlands and felt my only option was to transfer to the hotel, only to come back and start at square one.
[see blog]

I feel like all of this is re-hashing a wound that I thought had already healed...and I still don't know if it's something I should even do, now that I have Timmy, and that Drew and I are thinking about trying for our second little babe. Maybe this job was perfect for me, 3 years ago...but perhaps now, it's more of a selfish desire. Guess we'll see...

Elmira, NY

Hello from NY! We made it, safe and sound and with zero issues. Timmy slept like a log on the first flight and the second flight...without any drugging whatsoever!

Since we're out of our element, we've most certainly had our trying moments...I mean, I don't feel completely comfortable in a strange house at 4:30am, breastfeeding in the living room...but we're trying our best not to let these moments define our entire trip.

Drew's enjoying being able to watch some ESPN (we don't have cable, not gonna pay 50 bucks a month just to watch trash like Teen Mom and Bad Girls Club) and lounging around his Ma's house. I, on the other hand, am enjoying dragging Drew away from the football mayhem and going to local touristy spots. We went to the Corning Glass Museum and then the Cantor's Fall Festival...and we were dangerously close to going apple picking, but I had a perpetual headache that hung on from the previous day, and Drew had gotten up with Timmy at 2am...to sum up, we were dragging ass. We went to The Commons today in Ithaca so I could buy a glass pipe for Becky, my bartender. She's gonna love it! Felt a little out of place in the pipe store, but people are real quick to give you the low-down on what's what in the drug related community...haha. :)

Two more days, and we're coming home! I've had a great time, but I can't wait to sleep in our bed and to get Timmy back into a routine...cuz here, it's be chaos. I just hope our flight home is as eventless as our trip over.

Blink...And It's Over Like That

It's September 7th...which is merely 18 days from the 25th...which pretty much sums up to the sad/exciting realization that my baby boy is practically a year old! I close my eyes for one second, and a year flies by!! How is this even possible?

I've been keeping myself busy making plans for his party...I wanna be actively involved in these yearly-traditional-celebrations...no matter how silly or senseless they may seem. We were gonna do a monkey theme, but that was gonna run about 3 times more than I wanted to pay, so I ended up at the Dollar Store (I know, but they actually have some decent stuff there) and got a bunch of bright colored, balloon decor. I'm gonna bake a cake and do monkey cupcakes, both of which I've never done before. We've been back and forth about the location of this shindig...park...house...park...house...and have landed on park, weather permitting. I hate planning get-togethers (recall my 25th birthday and my baby shower.) I'm no good at it and I take it personal when people decline my invites. So I'm only inviting a handful of people and select family...and the worse part, there's maybe 3 kids on the list. But I figure Timmy won't notice any of this, and the less kids there are, the less chaos there will be...terrible, I know, but I went to a baby shower the other day that had 15 kids ranging from 3 weeks to 14 years old, and it was a nightmare! Some bitch 2-year-old kept trying to run over my kid with a tea set cart (which he desperately wanted to play with, but she had no intent on sharing)...and her mom just laughed about it like a brain dead drone, while her 9-month-old cried in the background. Granted, I only have the one kid...but I don't leave him with a roomful of strangers to comfort him while he's crying, as I lazily putter around to fix up a bottle.

Wow...seems I'm a little judgmental today...must be that glass of wine I had earlier...or perhaps it was the one after that... ;)

Our trip to NY is quickly approaching, which has been a mess in and of itself. I bought our tickets in May, as to avoid any last minute problems. Then, a month ago I got an email from Delta telling of all the itinerary changes they'd made for us, extending our travel time by about 6 hours each way...yeah, no...I don't want to sit in two separate airports for 3 hours each, with my wonderful (soon-to-be) 1-year-old. There's no real single big reason that I don't want to sit aimlessly in an airport with my impatient fiance and baby...just a million little ones! We were able to work it all out with Delta after a ten minute phone call, thank goodness. I'm excited for our time over there...and for Drew's family to get some time with Timmy. Heaven knows how badly his mother had been aching for her grandson. I think I insulted her on accident. She kept asking me to make a list of the things Timmy would need when we visit, so I'd list off: diapers, wipes, food, car seat, and a booster or high chair. I guess that doesn't seem like enough, cuz she talked about getting a crib. I assume she plans on getting far more than necessary, and that we're gonna be met with a proposition of just staying in NY and moving in with them. So after I told her a second time that we really don't need all that much, she kinda kicked some attitude...'okay, okay, I get it.' I don't want to pay money to take Timmy to visit Drew's family, if the whole time I am made uncomfortable with constant nagging of how we need to move out there and stay with them so they can see their grandson. Maybe I'm over-reacting...which wouldn't be a first...but that's how their visit to Washington last December went. And his mom even tried to get me to talk Drew into it. But maybe, with this visit, they'll realize that I'm completely serious about bringing Timmy to visit once a year...Drew visited twice in 10 years (once for his Grandmother's funeral and then when I planned a trip out there for us all to meet...I'm kinda the assertive one with the traveling and vacations) so I can kind of understand why they think they'll hardly get to see Timmy.

All these adventures...all this lovely stress. I can't wait for all of it...and for all of it to be over! :)

Lazy Dayz Of Summer [2011]

Our little Timmy is now 9 1/2 months old! It's so amazing how quickly time feels to have flown...he does so much now, and I'm just in awe...it just doesn't seem like that long ago that I was holding my non-existant baby bump, thinking I'm gonna be a mom...wow! He's been crawling, standing, and babbling to his little hearts content...and I know it won't be long until he starts walking on his own. How incredible. He's 22lb and 31"...which puts him in the 74th percentile for weight and 99th percentile with height! He's certainly not tall because of me...but I'm hoping he gets my awesome metabolism. He's still our toothless-wonder, but since I'm still nursing, no teeth is actually optimal for me. He's been saying "dadada" since Father's Day (how cool of a gift is that?!?) and just the other day started saying "mamama"...I haven't heard it, but Drew swears! :)

The heat has been a struggle. Drew and I always went without a cooling system in the summer...just strategically placed fans and opened windows in the late evenings. But Timmy's bedtime comes long before window-opening time...so we caved and got him an air conditioner. It's been a nightmare...ordered one from Amazon which sat on our dining room floor for a month until we decided it was time to install...then we needed an electrician to come install an outlet...then we realized the window we wanted was obstructed by an exhaust pipe outside...so then we moved the ideal window to the nursery, since that is the location of the person in dire need of AC...we finally go to open the box on our dining room floor, only to find that they sent us the wrong one, which was much too big for our windows...AHH!! It took a few weeks, but we finally have everything situated and our little baby furnace has some AC.

We took TJ to my family reunion the other day at Loon Lake...discovered he's not much of a water baby. I was really hoping he would be...since it's such a cheap way to cool him off...but the second his little toes touched water, he started crying and clawing at me to get back up. Thought it was kinda cute, really. He's also on the timid side, like mom. He stares at people and it takes him a good while before he'll warm up to them and smile affectionately at anyone. I really don't want him to grow up being painfully shy like I was...I mean, in the end, everything has worked out for me...but I remember some really lonely days in there. Even the family reunions are tough for me, because I'm not really close to any of my cousins. They all go to church and live a slightly different lifestyle...they're all nice people, but not having that common ground doesn't help...so I did no better than Timmy at our reunion...eh.

I'm sure I'm getting a little ahead of myself in assuming he has my character flaws...but I think I'm going to try to join a Mommy & Me group, just to get him associated with other babies. Hell, maybe I'll even make a friend...lately it feels as if I don't have any. Two of my good friends are pregnant for the first time, so I understand that they're busy and exhausted. I guess I just thought that me being pregnant was going to be the most ostracizing time for me...but it's actually been since I had Timmy that I feel more on the outskirts...hmm. Think I'll drop that topic, cause it's starting to bum me out. Haha!

Honestly, life is good. We have a trip planned out for October to take our son to meet Drew's family in New York. Excited and nervous about taking him on a day long airplane trek...if he's anything like me, he'll love it...if he's anything like his dad, he'll hate it! It's gonna be a toss up! :)

Standing Man

Crawling Like Crazy

Look Ma, no teeth!

Admiring his pool from a safe distance.

Like a little grown up!

Checkin out the garden.

At the lake with Momma.

Wearing sunscreen like a warrior!

Papa and his cub.

This was after all the crying and water drama...he's tired.

Corn's out-growing him!

Nappin on dad. :)

Hello Spade

Life's been so amazing lately...free from nonsense and drama...from noise.

I just recently decided to give this medical transcription idea a rest...which was a difficult decision to make. I hate starting something and not following through with it, (especially when it involves a good deal of money), but to be completely honest, I made that goal when I was at a very low point at work. It was so stressful and filled with such chaos...and somehow it was my responsibility to wrangle the mayhem and also have it perceived that there was no mayhem to wrangle. School and being a MT was my answer. But now, having found my way out of my work nightmare and into quite a dream of sorts...school's felt like an unnecessary battle. And with Timmy demanding all my attention, it's become pretty impossible. Forget that all the material is teaching me isn't at all something I want to learn, let alone something I actually think I'm capable of learning if I truly wanted to...but that I don't have the time. I was considering packing up my computer and hitting the library and getting school work done that way...but then I realized that if I can't focus on the school work at home, how on earth am I to actually work from home? Here I am, working, taking care of my little man, trying to keep a clean house, and do school...only to accomplish everything but school, leading me to feel like a failure. I couldn't bask in the fact that I had all the household chores done, the garden planted and weeded, Timmy's clothes organized and packed up after he'd outgrown them, my closets cleared of clothes I no longer wear packed up for good-will...because I had this constant little gray cloud hovering over me. If I didn't have my son to handle, I'm sure I could have done this and probably rather well...but my world isn't built on "if only's" and I need to call this spade a spade.

Sweet Rejection

So...I transfered back to food and beverage, and was working in Woodlands, just like old times. I worked a week, and the next schedule came up and I was scheduled six days...which was more than I ideally wanted, but I was willing to do it. Then, the head of food and beverage walks through the back kitchen and sees me working...evil, terrible, despicable Amanda. Next thing I know, I've been pulled from the schedule and sent to jump through a bunch of flaming hoops. I've since landed in The Turf Club...under the umbrella of my old boss, Jerry. Supposedly, the idiot that doesn't like me, thinks I need to prove myself by working my way up...but, sticking me in one of the two smoking and gaming bars, (that's about to under-go a little reconstruction to make it more of a lounge area, more ideal for a cocktailing lovely like myself) is far from the bottom!

Honestly, this whole thing was a blessing in disguise. Granted, it was humiliating...being treated so awfully in front of all my co-workers, who all know full-well how great and hard of a worker I am...but the bar is an absolute cake-walk. I forgot how easy bar work is...in Woodlands, I had to bust my ass for my tips...and don't get me wrong, I don't turn my nose up to hard work...but considering I was looking for more simplicity in my work life so I could focus more on my momma work, this is perfect! I work three days a week, 10-6pm...four days off is little much...but it's nice to not have such a hectic work schedule and have so much more time with my boy. And the brilliance of it all, even working only three days, I still make relatively the same pay as I did working 40+ hours as a supervisor in the hotel! :)

Happy...I'm HAPPY!!

Timmy's doing wonderfully! He's been sleeping through the night again...think he knows when I'm gone, but since I'm rarely gone now, he doesn't need to wake me up every two hours in a desperate attempt to get some much needed momma time! He loves his bouncer and is trying to sit up on his own and crawl around! I love that boy! :) I love my life!! Now we just need Drew to get a job that doesn't emotionally and physically drain him, and we'll be all set!

Throwing Caution To The Wind

Life hasn't changed much since my last entry...but it's about to. I'm backing down from my full-time supervising position in the hotel, and going back to being a pathetic server of meager means...and I'm so excited!

As of right now, I don't have an actual schedule waiting for me...but being as awesome as I am, every food and beverage department is seeking me out...so I'm not too concerned. Ideally, I want a part-time shift in Woodlands...which may very well happen, because one of their girls, who had a baby two months before me, just put in her two weeks.

And and, my ex was terminated, again...not sure why, but I've been approached about taking his line in the buffet. I'm actually encouraging a girl I work with to go for it...personalities don't belong cooped up in an empty room for eight hours a day. The news of my ex was bitter-sweet...I don't like the guy...don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him...so part of my heart tried to soar when I first found out. Here's the bitter part: his girlfriend is very pregnant. Being pregnant and him being a first-time dad is going to be stressful enough...but add to that, being unemployed and financially struggling...that's going to be a hard burden to bare. I feel bad for his girlfriend...that's tough. But it will be nice to not have to see his cocky face around for a while.

I have two more days left on the hotel side...thank goodness. Every day I feel like I might break into pieces...and every morning I wake up and my whole body feels weak and incapable. Drew's doing P90x (a fad exercising regiment)...I wish I had the luxury of working out. Maybe, going to part-time, I finally will...maybe...and if nothing else, to have more time with my magical little man, that alone will be well worth all the sacrifices.

supernova

Life is hard...I don't know if I can do it...I feel like a shell, completely empty and cold and oh-so alone. I feel like I do sooo much, from the minute I wake to the desperately desired moment I get to rest my worn-down head on the pillow at night...and my days run about 18-20 hours. I don't get restful sleep, because the minute Timmy wakes up, my whole body jumps into gear...and when I'm not working or nursing, I'm cleaning baby bottles or doing laundry or pumping or doing school work. I'm committed, fully. I guess I thought I'd have more help...and I can't just protest and start slacking on all these responsibilities, because then my angel will suffer...and I promised, I swore up and down to myself that I would do anything for my son...it's just hard to do everything...or at least feeling like I do. I'm tired...and no matter my might, I think I'm burning out, "collapsing into myself like a dying star."

Well...it's starting time...here we go.

Juggling Act

Welp, momma's back to work these days. I'm amazed that we've managed two full work weeks with zero issues...I guess I was preparing for the worst, but our drop-off plan seems to be working relatively well. I work during the day, Drew drops TimTim off at my folks on his way to work, and I pick him up on my way home. I'll be completely honest...it's nice to get out of the house and have a few hours in the day that aren't focused on diapers and nursing. But I certainly would prefer a part time gig...crying on my way to work is taking it's emotional toll.

So, after stalking a strangers blog (I know, creepy...but not really, cuz that's what blogs are for, sharing) I have devised a plan: I'm doing more school to get a medical transcription and editing degree!

The schooling is all done online, and with this degree, I can get a job and work from home and therefore, be able to raise my kid as well. Then possibly go to a part time server so I still get a few hours a week out of the house and make good money in the process. Win win win! I'm making my way through the curriculum pretty slowly...but it's kind of inevitable that I can't go whole hog into this. I can only study for so long while Timmy's awake before he needs mom to be hands on...which is fine, because he's the one I'm doing this for...it just stinks having to juggle this goal and my time with him. And once he's asleep and I can focus on studying, my eyes get heavy and I start falling asleep while trying to read. It's hard...I'm awake before the boys and then am up and going all day before I can crash. Any free time I have, I put towards school, and if I don't I feel like I'm being lazy and unproductive...like right now, blogging instead of schooling. I really wish I had started this while I was on maternity leave, cuz working full time on this, the degree takes four months...so I coulda been 3 months done by now...oh well, hind sight. Right now I'm hoping to be done in 6 months...fingers crossed!!

I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for Timmy and our family and any future children we have...and also that I need to take some time for myself as well, so I don't burn out. I'm so excited for this year and the anticipation of accomplishing this goal! It's nice to have definite goals for once...not just going to school to be going to school! Ha.