“Is there medication that you may need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of?”

Bear’s been off at his board and training for almost two weeks. We decided to invest in him instead of sending him off, honestly just the thought of not keeping him wrenched me inside. And the trauma from his accident ruined me for weeks. But I’m optimistic and our trainer is wonderful, sending us videos of Bears progression…and last night was Halloween, so they were going to work on his reaction with the door and greetings.

I’m struggling at work, and life in general, really. I feel so much strain and anxiety going to work, that I binge eat and can literally do nothing prior to my shifts. I try to just focus on the work and the money, but I then I get overwhelmed by the possibility of getting fired over mistakes or getting hit on by drunks for hours or drunks getting into physical alterations after I serve them, again circling around to the possibly getting fired. It’s all so wearing. Oh, and I managed to get tennis elbow in my right arm in March, which has slightly subsided in the last 7 months but hasn’t completely healed…and three weeks ago, my left arm got tennis elbow. It feels so stupid, that I can hardly hold a beer and reach it out to the end of the bar-top without feeling immense pain…and don’t get me started on how sometimes the canned beer twist offs are extra impossible and I struggle like an asshole for way too long, leaving my elbow aching. Like I’m just falling apart…and my body is failing.

Drew’s struggling with his job as well, his overall contention and disappointment leaves him feeling so strained…and this time of the year is never great anyways for him with his seasonal depression. He’s also looking into going back to rehab, because he needs a firm barrier between him and alcohol. I’m so immensely proud of him, but it’s just another thing that adds weight for me to bear, his mood shifts and anger. It’s hard to deal with…and I’m unfortunately impressionable, easily projected upon…you’re unhappy, I’m unhappy. 

All of this to say I feel like I’m unable to enjoy life, constantly making lists that never fully get checked off…feeling unaccomplished and worn. I just wanna play board games with my kids…but only after I clean the gerbil cage, clean the bathrooms, fold and put away all the laundry, do the dishes, vacuum…throw another load into the wash, and the kids come home from school and I’m ready for a nap and am generally over all of it…but I’m expected to read with Vince and coach him through his homework, get dinner prepped and cooked…there’s no energy left in me for board games or puzzles. By that point, I want to sit somewhere away from the noise and read or completely zone out. 

Why is this what life is? And what’s worse, is we’re expected to work until we’re 67…that’s 51 years before retirement…are you shitting me with these numbers?? I’ve been working for 24 years of my life…and my arms are literally flailing in the wind…and I’m not even half way done?! Fuck that.